What do I do?

[rivulet027]

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. ~Mark Twain~

I'm in a mood.

Tired, grouchy and I have a bit of a head-ache. I think I got overheated or something and would maybe feel better if I had a glass of water...but instead I'm sitting here writing this.

I cleaned my car some today. I also spent the money I was saving to buy the DVD's I wanted on two soundtracks: Velvet Goldmine and...I'm too embarassed to say.

Watched my cousin, who decided he was mostly going to spend the day accross the street playing with the two girls who live there. They have a pool. He's eleven, these things are important.

So I spent most of the afternoon on the couch writing fanfic and reading The Farewell Symphony. My brain's stuck in wanting to write QaF fanfic lately and it's begining to drive my slightly batty, because I can't take on writing another longer piece of fiction when I have four longer pieces not even finished yet. Also I wrote this small series of dis-jointed odd crossovers centered around Michael from QaF. One pairing was Andrew from BTVS the other paired him with Jean-Paul from X-men. The one that would finish the series would be Remus from Harry Potter. They all feel so distant to me and I think they're going to end up like the Bobby/Jono piece I wrote months upon months ago. They'll likely sit on my computer and do nothing but take up space.

I also want to write more Jean-Paul/Bobby. I have three one shots in mind, two that would be a continuation of the three-part series I've already finished. Then after those two I have a longer piece in mind, but as I've already said I don't want to really pick up another longer piece. Plus I would have to up my rating and I'm not sure how good an NC-17 piece would come out. My JP muse keeps pushing at the corners of my mind, sometimes I feel like I'm his bitch.

I know I know, run crazy because I'm talking about a fictional character as if he were real.

Part of me wants to sit down and write something orginal, another part of me is pissed at myself for the lack of fem-slah I've written and part of me wants to write some orginal het pieces because well then I can actually show them to my family. I read my brother some of the short things I wrote for the writing class I was in and he liked them, especially the one about him. I want to expand the one about him and write something longer. The narrator has been poking at me in between my fanfic muddled rants. It's enough to drive a girl insane.

I dropped my summer class, my family isn't to know. There would be bitching and my Grandma would be highly upset, but I was failing it, again. My heart isn't in taking these medical classes.

I had to switch my schedule for the fall because of dropping my summer class I had to drop my two other medical classes because the summer class was a prerequisite. So I picked up an Intro to Shakespeare and I need to pick up one more class to have a full load.

The question is what do I pick up? Do I retake the class I took over the summer and continue toward the major my Grandma wants for me? She's paying for my college so shouldn't I take what she wants? My mom put her two cents in again trying to get me to change majors, but she doesn't help with it so why does she get to put her two cents in? I'm sick of her telling me how I could never be a nurse and how I should be a medical trancriber or a librarian. I want to write, I want an English major...but that mean's I'll probably be poor for the rest of my life. :sigh:

Mmm...actually let me dream give me Jean-Paul and let me write an entire novel about his life...I'll write Born Normal. That would be a dream. Go ahead James, roll your eyes. I love him, I can't seem to help myself.

Speaking of Jean-Paul...can I bring up the picture? I'm working on the story for it, it's finished in my head I just need to write it down.

This entry is going to be all over the place.

I should get back to my ranting. I talked to my Aunt about how I feel split because I'm twenty-one and I don't know what I want. She told me that I know what I want, I'm just letting everyone else get in the way. I know she's right, but what do I do to remedy that?

It makes my head hurt. I feel so stuck. I can't please anyone around me and if I try to be myself all I'll do is suceed in pissing most of my family off. The last time I stood up and said this is me please accept me it turned into my father and I constantly yelling at each other and not getting along. It was treated as teenage rebellion and a few month ago my mom told me I needed to aplogize to my dad about it and to admit that I was wrong.

What am I suppose to say?

'I'm sorry my first girlfriend used me and generally manipulated me and I made life hell. I was wrong I promise never to date girls again. From here on in it's guys, guys, guys.'

I'll find some nice guy, turn into the perfect little housewife and have a couple of kids.

It makes me want to die thinking about it.

I don't find myself remotely attracted to men and yet all I write lately is male slash fanfiction. Of course I tell my mom that my writing doing okay and of course she wants to read it and so of course it's impossible for me to let her read any of it because my father has forbidden me from bring any of my 'gay sh**' into his house. Plus it would make her uncomfortable.

And here I am whining and complaining. If I were a stronger person I'd quit college, find an office job and move out. But then my Grandma would have to go to assisted living and it would be all my fault.

It makes my head hurt...and this whole post probably made little sense.