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Excerpt from "Tommy's Tale" by Alan Cumming
warning: do not try this at home, even the character in the book fainted after following his own rules.
1. Masturbation: The moment you wake up, masturbate. Whenever you find yourself in the same chair looking at the same piece of wallpaper for more than five minutes, unzip your flies. Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. It’s God’s antidepressant. But anyway, Jesus Christ, who doesn’t want to wank as much as possible, whatever mental state you’re in?
2. Seclusion: Don’t see anyone, they’ll only ask how you’re feeling and you will either (a) lie, and say you’re fine or (b) tell the truth, but talk nonstop for hours about all the fucked-up things that have been swirling around your head for days, making the poor listener completely punch-drunk, confused and, no matter how sympathetic they may be to your plight, utterly bored and looking for the first opportunity to run from the room screaming, and in your delicate state it is hard to put even the most minor of rejections into perspective.
3. Write things down: That is the best way to let it all out. The pen and paper will not judge, will not yawn; you will not worry that they have missed the last tube home and you should offer them taxi fare to Enfield. You can scream, you can jabber, you can talk and talk and talk until you eventually find WHAT IT REALLY IS, and you will disturb no one else because you are screaming and jabbering and talking on paper.
4. More masturbation: Watch porn, fuck yourself with carrots, in fact take the entire contents of your fridge and either smear it over yourself, fellate it or dare yourself to sit on it. Really. Go mad. Think of all the photos you have seen on the Internet and reenact them. This will help you in various ways: (a) Sex, even with yourself, is just great. Sometimes especially with yourself. (b) Everything looks rosier when your out of breath and covered in you own semen. (c) All those food products will be fabulous for your skin and (d) clean fridge, clean mind. Or something like that.
5. Writing more things down.
6. Even more masturbation.
warning: do not try this at home, even the character in the book fainted after following his own rules.
1. Masturbation: The moment you wake up, masturbate. Whenever you find yourself in the same chair looking at the same piece of wallpaper for more than five minutes, unzip your flies. Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. It’s God’s antidepressant. But anyway, Jesus Christ, who doesn’t want to wank as much as possible, whatever mental state you’re in?
2. Seclusion: Don’t see anyone, they’ll only ask how you’re feeling and you will either (a) lie, and say you’re fine or (b) tell the truth, but talk nonstop for hours about all the fucked-up things that have been swirling around your head for days, making the poor listener completely punch-drunk, confused and, no matter how sympathetic they may be to your plight, utterly bored and looking for the first opportunity to run from the room screaming, and in your delicate state it is hard to put even the most minor of rejections into perspective.
3. Write things down: That is the best way to let it all out. The pen and paper will not judge, will not yawn; you will not worry that they have missed the last tube home and you should offer them taxi fare to Enfield. You can scream, you can jabber, you can talk and talk and talk until you eventually find WHAT IT REALLY IS, and you will disturb no one else because you are screaming and jabbering and talking on paper.
4. More masturbation: Watch porn, fuck yourself with carrots, in fact take the entire contents of your fridge and either smear it over yourself, fellate it or dare yourself to sit on it. Really. Go mad. Think of all the photos you have seen on the Internet and reenact them. This will help you in various ways: (a) Sex, even with yourself, is just great. Sometimes especially with yourself. (b) Everything looks rosier when your out of breath and covered in you own semen. (c) All those food products will be fabulous for your skin and (d) clean fridge, clean mind. Or something like that.
5. Writing more things down.
6. Even more masturbation.
