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Title: Guilt
Fandom: Star Wars
Characters: Poe and Leia
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Star Wars. It's not my toy box and I'm merely playing.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Post The Last Jedi. Poe is guilty and sleepless and Leia is understanding as she encourages him to reach out for support.
A/N: Written for Jen425 for![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
space_swap.
Guilt:
Days are easier than nights. Poe finds ways to keep himself distracted during the day. There are nights where he can sleep, where he’s worn out and can find a few hours of rest before nightmares wake him. Most nights though find him wandering the deepest corridors of the once abandoned base they’re attempting to bring back to life. If he’s useful he finds and gathers old tech that Rey, Rose, and all the other mechanically inclined members of the base are happy to have. If he’s lucky he’ll find an out of the way niche he can shove himself into and get a few hours of sleep. Sometimes BB-8 joins him, other times Poe just needs to be alone and quiet as he shoves himself into a crevasse in the wall.
He’s dozing when he catches the faint sound of someone approaching. He struggles not to startle, hopes he won’t be seen. The whole rebellion is struggling, no thanks to him, and he doesn’t want to divert anyone’s attention beyond their mission to survive, to grow and thrive so that they can help anyone that is being hurt by the First Order.
Boots and pants stop near him. He should recognize them he thinks idly, but he’s so tired. Too many busy day and too many restless nights are catching up to him. He starts to shift his head upwards, but she sits down on the floor across from him. She takes him in with a fond worried look. Poe isn’t prepared for the way guilt rushes through him. He shouldn’t be taking up anymore of her time: not after all the people he cost the rebellion, not after all the things he’d done wrong.
Leia sighs, “You know, you’re worrying your droid.”
“BB-8 didn’t,” Poe starts in a rush to apologize.
“I asked,” Leia sooths.
Poe rests his forehead against his knees, hugs his knees a bit tighter. “I’m okay.”
She shifts into a more comfortable position, then steeples her fingers and taps them against her lips. “BB-8 isn’t the only one who worries.”
He lifts his head to look at her. “There are other who need it more.”
She drops her hands and raises her eyebrows as she takes in the barely cut out rock wall he’s found tonight. Closed in on three sides he almost feels safe, almost can’t taste his own fear as he remembers the feel of her son reaching into his head. He almost don’t hear the screams of the villagers behind him. He almost doesn’t feel the weight of the friends he’s lost, that it’s his fault they lost.
“You’ve made some very good friends, but now you’re running yourself ragged and barely looking like you’ve slept.”
“I’m sorry.”
Is this about the argument he and Rey got into yesterday? Or maybe it’s because he fell asleep in his cockpit. He’d woken up in Finn’s jacket, but didn’t stop to visit when he’d returned it. Poe sighs and runs a hand down his face.
“You’re tired,” she continues.
“Just can’t sleep,” he agrees.
“When was the last time you slept?”
Poe blink at her slowly as he tries to quantify the short naps he’s managing into a reasonable number. She sighs and shifts forward, then reaches out slowly for him. She’s giving him plenty of time to pull away.
“May I?” she asks as she nears his hands.
He nods, then stills at the sensation of her folding her hands around his, thumbs brushing against the back of his hand. How long has it been since he let anyone but BB-8 touch him? Poe lets out a ragged breath he didn’t even realize he’d been holding.
She takes a deep slow breath, the holds his hands more firmly and gives them a squeeze. “I let you gloss over what Finn rescued you from. I know what my son has done, but I wasn’t ready to hear what he’d done to you so when you didn’t want to tell me I let it go and then I put you out there against him again.”
“No, no. That’s my fault.”
“Poe you weren’t the only one who came up with that plan and you weren’t the one who approved it. You weren’t the only one who chose not to fall back. And I shouldn’t have put you out there in the first place, not until I knew you were feeling steadier.”
“I get my work done,” he protests.
“You do more than your share. I’m not questioning your work ethic,” she smiles as she gives his hands a brief squeeze.
“What are you saying then?”
“I kept so busy for a long time. I felt so guilty that all I could do was stand there and bare witness as the planet I’d been brought up to rule was destroyed. It took a long time and a lot of therapy for me to accept that there was nothing more I could’ve done.”
Poe wets his lips. “How many therapists do we have?”
“Well, we gained two more yesterday,” she jokes.
He feels his lips quirk involuntarily upwards. His fingers squeeze hers and she smiles at him.
“You were hurt,” she reminds. “And you’re allowed to need time to heal and you’re not taking resources away from anyone else.”
He almost asks her to say the words again. He didn’t realize how much he needed to hear them until she said them. Poe shakes his head slowly.
“I wasn’t ready to hear before,” she tells him again. “but if you need to tell me what he did I’m ready to listen.”
“No, you’re not.” It’s all he can really say. He’s not ready to tell her.
He gets a wiry grin in response before she sighs, “Probably not, but I’d dealt with hurt before and I know how to reach out for support when I’m not feeling steady. Poe, you have a lot of people that care about you, want to help support you, and I’m asking you to reach out and use the resources we have available to help yourself.”
Poe nods.
Leia nods, then smiles at him crookedly. “Help an old lady up and walk her back out of this maze?”
“You don’t need my help.”
“I don’t,” she agrees, “but I’d like your company.”
For the first time in what feels like a long time Poe feels a real smile spread across his face.
Fandom: Star Wars
Characters: Poe and Leia
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Star Wars. It's not my toy box and I'm merely playing.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Post The Last Jedi. Poe is guilty and sleepless and Leia is understanding as she encourages him to reach out for support.
A/N: Written for Jen425 for
space_swap.Guilt:
Days are easier than nights. Poe finds ways to keep himself distracted during the day. There are nights where he can sleep, where he’s worn out and can find a few hours of rest before nightmares wake him. Most nights though find him wandering the deepest corridors of the once abandoned base they’re attempting to bring back to life. If he’s useful he finds and gathers old tech that Rey, Rose, and all the other mechanically inclined members of the base are happy to have. If he’s lucky he’ll find an out of the way niche he can shove himself into and get a few hours of sleep. Sometimes BB-8 joins him, other times Poe just needs to be alone and quiet as he shoves himself into a crevasse in the wall.
He’s dozing when he catches the faint sound of someone approaching. He struggles not to startle, hopes he won’t be seen. The whole rebellion is struggling, no thanks to him, and he doesn’t want to divert anyone’s attention beyond their mission to survive, to grow and thrive so that they can help anyone that is being hurt by the First Order.
Boots and pants stop near him. He should recognize them he thinks idly, but he’s so tired. Too many busy day and too many restless nights are catching up to him. He starts to shift his head upwards, but she sits down on the floor across from him. She takes him in with a fond worried look. Poe isn’t prepared for the way guilt rushes through him. He shouldn’t be taking up anymore of her time: not after all the people he cost the rebellion, not after all the things he’d done wrong.
Leia sighs, “You know, you’re worrying your droid.”
“BB-8 didn’t,” Poe starts in a rush to apologize.
“I asked,” Leia sooths.
Poe rests his forehead against his knees, hugs his knees a bit tighter. “I’m okay.”
She shifts into a more comfortable position, then steeples her fingers and taps them against her lips. “BB-8 isn’t the only one who worries.”
He lifts his head to look at her. “There are other who need it more.”
She drops her hands and raises her eyebrows as she takes in the barely cut out rock wall he’s found tonight. Closed in on three sides he almost feels safe, almost can’t taste his own fear as he remembers the feel of her son reaching into his head. He almost don’t hear the screams of the villagers behind him. He almost doesn’t feel the weight of the friends he’s lost, that it’s his fault they lost.
“You’ve made some very good friends, but now you’re running yourself ragged and barely looking like you’ve slept.”
“I’m sorry.”
Is this about the argument he and Rey got into yesterday? Or maybe it’s because he fell asleep in his cockpit. He’d woken up in Finn’s jacket, but didn’t stop to visit when he’d returned it. Poe sighs and runs a hand down his face.
“You’re tired,” she continues.
“Just can’t sleep,” he agrees.
“When was the last time you slept?”
Poe blink at her slowly as he tries to quantify the short naps he’s managing into a reasonable number. She sighs and shifts forward, then reaches out slowly for him. She’s giving him plenty of time to pull away.
“May I?” she asks as she nears his hands.
He nods, then stills at the sensation of her folding her hands around his, thumbs brushing against the back of his hand. How long has it been since he let anyone but BB-8 touch him? Poe lets out a ragged breath he didn’t even realize he’d been holding.
She takes a deep slow breath, the holds his hands more firmly and gives them a squeeze. “I let you gloss over what Finn rescued you from. I know what my son has done, but I wasn’t ready to hear what he’d done to you so when you didn’t want to tell me I let it go and then I put you out there against him again.”
“No, no. That’s my fault.”
“Poe you weren’t the only one who came up with that plan and you weren’t the one who approved it. You weren’t the only one who chose not to fall back. And I shouldn’t have put you out there in the first place, not until I knew you were feeling steadier.”
“I get my work done,” he protests.
“You do more than your share. I’m not questioning your work ethic,” she smiles as she gives his hands a brief squeeze.
“What are you saying then?”
“I kept so busy for a long time. I felt so guilty that all I could do was stand there and bare witness as the planet I’d been brought up to rule was destroyed. It took a long time and a lot of therapy for me to accept that there was nothing more I could’ve done.”
Poe wets his lips. “How many therapists do we have?”
“Well, we gained two more yesterday,” she jokes.
He feels his lips quirk involuntarily upwards. His fingers squeeze hers and she smiles at him.
“You were hurt,” she reminds. “And you’re allowed to need time to heal and you’re not taking resources away from anyone else.”
He almost asks her to say the words again. He didn’t realize how much he needed to hear them until she said them. Poe shakes his head slowly.
“I wasn’t ready to hear before,” she tells him again. “but if you need to tell me what he did I’m ready to listen.”
“No, you’re not.” It’s all he can really say. He’s not ready to tell her.
He gets a wiry grin in response before she sighs, “Probably not, but I’d dealt with hurt before and I know how to reach out for support when I’m not feeling steady. Poe, you have a lot of people that care about you, want to help support you, and I’m asking you to reach out and use the resources we have available to help yourself.”
Poe nods.
Leia nods, then smiles at him crookedly. “Help an old lady up and walk her back out of this maze?”
“You don’t need my help.”
“I don’t,” she agrees, “but I’d like your company.”
For the first time in what feels like a long time Poe feels a real smile spread across his face.
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