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A hard beginning maketh a good ending ~John Heywood~
I'd decided to try and update this journal at least once a week and inbetween put little things, maybe some lists. If you guys are lucky I won't subject you to my poetry. My family thinks it good, but I really don't think it holds up. However I've decided not to wait for a week to have pass before I update if simply for the fact that I need to get tonight out of my system.
Ugh!
We'll get to that later. Want to go over everything else first?
I've been in a good mood lately. Probably cause I've done the shopping thing. I found a Highlander shirt for two dollars at Goodwill. I found The Crow soundtrack for about 3 dollars at Half Priced Book store. I also bought some more Oscar Wilde. And I spent my last Steak N Shake paycheck on the UK version of Queer as Folk (I got my confirmation e-mail today, it'll be here in 5 to 10 days. So so excited!!! I've already got two friends who said they'd watch it with me. So nice big smile)
I had a nice time watching my cousin on Monday. It was kinda hot, we were kinda bored so we went window shopping first to Radio Shack and then the mall (James, we stopped by your work to say hi to you but you weren't there) and all in all had a good time. Then we came home and I wanted him to read a bit, but he'd already been to reading camp that day so I just picked up his Harry Potter and started reading it to him. He's in GoF, and were still at the very very beginning. He curled up in his bed and listened to an entire chapter before the phone rang and interupted us. Then my Aunt came home and she bought us diner and we watched Save the Last Dance together. It was nice and homey.
I talked to my mom later that night. And she told me my Aunt had mentioned that if I wanted to get out of my Grandma's house I could move in with her. Told my mom I'm allergic to the dog. I would like to move out of my Grandma's but right now its not a possibility. I can't because I can't leave her to live in this big house all by herself. She's made it clear that if I leave she's going to go into an assisted living facility. I can't do that to her, and yet at the same time its hard because I'd like to live my own life. I'd like to feel that I can act like someone my age. She treats me like I'm four and expects me to act like I'm thiry. I'm twenty-one, I'd like to go out. I'd really like to date, but I can't date until I have my own place if simply for the fact that my parents and she won't understand. Everytime I've tried to date women they've put so much pressure on me to stop seeing whoever it was that it made everything stressful. I'm even iffy about saying I have female friends cause I see that look in my parents eyes, that question of 'is it more than just friendship' and there unease.
It hurts.
So to end this long babble, lets just say that I'm feel stuck.
On the other hand today started out good. I woke up, got something to eat and went to get gas. The lady at the gasstation told me how polite I always am and how much she loves customers like me. It made me blush, felt good. Days always seem so much brighter when they start with a compliment. Then I organized my comics. I've pretty much got it done but I need to buy some more boxes. Then I went online and started talking to Megan. We agreed to hang out, so we met up at the college and while there I ran into a friend from high school Kevin and turns out the reason I hadn't heard from him was because he had my phone number wrong. Kevin had to leave for work. Introduced Megan and Kevin before he walked away. She said she was my editor which made me smile. We bought our books and then went shopping. I went to work in a really good mood which died the minute I walked in the door.
The moment I walked in Justin practically threw the headset for drive-thru at me. I wasn't even clocked in and as I start to clock in I stopped cause I realized I was early. I was debating if I was going to wait or just clock in when Justin took over and finished clocking me in and then set the headset down and walked away. I told him no, that I still had to get situated and that he'd better put the headset back on. He followed me back to the crew room being a pain and I told him he couldn't just throw things at me the minute I walked in the door. I'm crew not a manager and well I've been doing nothing but drive-thru since my last day off, I'm so sick of it I could scream. Jody the manager on duty went off on him, apparently he'd been being a pain all day.
I set my keys down, but a headset belt on and got in drive-thru.
Ryan started in on his stuff. His whole 'I can't be touched thing' and now he's picked up a habit of coming over to drive-thru and if there's a girl at the window asking me if I'd do her. I ussually just laugh or tell him that's not really his business. Later that night he tried to get me to do some of his closing procedure for him. I did his trays for him and he wanted me to mop the floor which I refused to do. He went so far as to offer to 'blow me' (he got in my face and told me he's really good at it) and I of course told him no. He got another girl Tiffany to do it, she doesn't work there anymore but had come up to visit. He was so happy she was mopping for him that he told her that Satan loves her. I was like and he doesn't love me? He laughed teasing me about my religion and I reaffirmed the fact that I don't believe in Satan. He found it amusing and started going on and on about the astro plane and about when I die and stuff and well that's Ryan for you.
It wasn't even any of this that put me in a bad mood. It was Brett. Brett's this kinda All American kid, the cliche in a way. He and I usually get along. I'm forever hitting on him because it gets him flustered and I ususally find him amusing. Like I was rubbing his back (when I get bored I start rubbing peoples backs) and the kid that only recently got hired starting making comments about how we should take that elsewhere and I told him sorry Brett's not my type. Brett's all like 'yeah, she's a lesbian.' It was a nice moment, nothing malice about it.
Then later that night Brett got mean. I'd gotten off drive-thru because our manager want me to do a few things before he left. Brett asked me to help on line (which is making the food) and I was like sure. Started talking to the new girl, just being polite and Brett suddenly just tells her I'm gay. Then he goes on about he doesn't know how I can choose to live like that and I tried to get through to him that I didn't chose this that this is how God made me. Then he's all 'you want to know what I think about gay marriage' (he and I'd already had this debate so I already knew his opinion and stand on the topic) and I figured okay let him get this out of his system. He goes on for a moment about how it's 'unnatural' and that God put us on the planet to reproduce and then die. I gave me standard arguements and the conversation died, he went so far as to say he didn't want to talk about it anymore so I let it drop. We got back to work and then he just starts bossing me around. I ignored it when out of the blue he asks the new girl what she thinks of lesbian and doesn't she just think it's 'unnatural and disgusting'. Her response was to give him a started look and ask him 'what?' It had slowed and I told him that I thought he wanted to drop the conversation. He said he felt like talking about it some more, I told him I had other work to do which was the truth because I was suppose to make sure everything was dated before I left. As I started dating things he asked me where I thought I was going and ordered me back onto line. I told him that our manager had told me to date things and when he talks to me he needs to do it with more respect. I had to because he'd been talking down to me and it was getting old.
It upset me more than it should have. I know how Brett feels, he's rather conservative in his views mainly because of how he was raised and his religion. I'm hoping that eventually he'll see that I'm a person too and that he can't judge a person by who they love, but today was just tiring and upsetting. I felt drained and had to get extra hugs from my guy friends there. Actually Matt gave me a really nice long brotherly hug earlier. We were slow and I was goofing off and pretended like I was going to use hide so he put his arm's around me and let me use his chest as a pillow for a moment. Which was nice cause I needed a good hug. One of my other friends there found out what Brett said and jokingly told me I should be him up. Brett would learn nothing that way.
Oh and several things Ryan said today has me thinking he might have a crush on Matt or my brother. Which is kinda creepy since he'll come up to me at random moments and tell me intimate details about his sex life for seemingly no reason whatsoever escept to try and freak me out.
Anyway I'm tired and I needed to vent and now I have so I guess I'll go.
I'd decided to try and update this journal at least once a week and inbetween put little things, maybe some lists. If you guys are lucky I won't subject you to my poetry. My family thinks it good, but I really don't think it holds up. However I've decided not to wait for a week to have pass before I update if simply for the fact that I need to get tonight out of my system.
Ugh!
We'll get to that later. Want to go over everything else first?
I've been in a good mood lately. Probably cause I've done the shopping thing. I found a Highlander shirt for two dollars at Goodwill. I found The Crow soundtrack for about 3 dollars at Half Priced Book store. I also bought some more Oscar Wilde. And I spent my last Steak N Shake paycheck on the UK version of Queer as Folk (I got my confirmation e-mail today, it'll be here in 5 to 10 days. So so excited!!! I've already got two friends who said they'd watch it with me. So nice big smile)
I had a nice time watching my cousin on Monday. It was kinda hot, we were kinda bored so we went window shopping first to Radio Shack and then the mall (James, we stopped by your work to say hi to you but you weren't there) and all in all had a good time. Then we came home and I wanted him to read a bit, but he'd already been to reading camp that day so I just picked up his Harry Potter and started reading it to him. He's in GoF, and were still at the very very beginning. He curled up in his bed and listened to an entire chapter before the phone rang and interupted us. Then my Aunt came home and she bought us diner and we watched Save the Last Dance together. It was nice and homey.
I talked to my mom later that night. And she told me my Aunt had mentioned that if I wanted to get out of my Grandma's house I could move in with her. Told my mom I'm allergic to the dog. I would like to move out of my Grandma's but right now its not a possibility. I can't because I can't leave her to live in this big house all by herself. She's made it clear that if I leave she's going to go into an assisted living facility. I can't do that to her, and yet at the same time its hard because I'd like to live my own life. I'd like to feel that I can act like someone my age. She treats me like I'm four and expects me to act like I'm thiry. I'm twenty-one, I'd like to go out. I'd really like to date, but I can't date until I have my own place if simply for the fact that my parents and she won't understand. Everytime I've tried to date women they've put so much pressure on me to stop seeing whoever it was that it made everything stressful. I'm even iffy about saying I have female friends cause I see that look in my parents eyes, that question of 'is it more than just friendship' and there unease.
It hurts.
So to end this long babble, lets just say that I'm feel stuck.
On the other hand today started out good. I woke up, got something to eat and went to get gas. The lady at the gasstation told me how polite I always am and how much she loves customers like me. It made me blush, felt good. Days always seem so much brighter when they start with a compliment. Then I organized my comics. I've pretty much got it done but I need to buy some more boxes. Then I went online and started talking to Megan. We agreed to hang out, so we met up at the college and while there I ran into a friend from high school Kevin and turns out the reason I hadn't heard from him was because he had my phone number wrong. Kevin had to leave for work. Introduced Megan and Kevin before he walked away. She said she was my editor which made me smile. We bought our books and then went shopping. I went to work in a really good mood which died the minute I walked in the door.
The moment I walked in Justin practically threw the headset for drive-thru at me. I wasn't even clocked in and as I start to clock in I stopped cause I realized I was early. I was debating if I was going to wait or just clock in when Justin took over and finished clocking me in and then set the headset down and walked away. I told him no, that I still had to get situated and that he'd better put the headset back on. He followed me back to the crew room being a pain and I told him he couldn't just throw things at me the minute I walked in the door. I'm crew not a manager and well I've been doing nothing but drive-thru since my last day off, I'm so sick of it I could scream. Jody the manager on duty went off on him, apparently he'd been being a pain all day.
I set my keys down, but a headset belt on and got in drive-thru.
Ryan started in on his stuff. His whole 'I can't be touched thing' and now he's picked up a habit of coming over to drive-thru and if there's a girl at the window asking me if I'd do her. I ussually just laugh or tell him that's not really his business. Later that night he tried to get me to do some of his closing procedure for him. I did his trays for him and he wanted me to mop the floor which I refused to do. He went so far as to offer to 'blow me' (he got in my face and told me he's really good at it) and I of course told him no. He got another girl Tiffany to do it, she doesn't work there anymore but had come up to visit. He was so happy she was mopping for him that he told her that Satan loves her. I was like and he doesn't love me? He laughed teasing me about my religion and I reaffirmed the fact that I don't believe in Satan. He found it amusing and started going on and on about the astro plane and about when I die and stuff and well that's Ryan for you.
It wasn't even any of this that put me in a bad mood. It was Brett. Brett's this kinda All American kid, the cliche in a way. He and I usually get along. I'm forever hitting on him because it gets him flustered and I ususally find him amusing. Like I was rubbing his back (when I get bored I start rubbing peoples backs) and the kid that only recently got hired starting making comments about how we should take that elsewhere and I told him sorry Brett's not my type. Brett's all like 'yeah, she's a lesbian.' It was a nice moment, nothing malice about it.
Then later that night Brett got mean. I'd gotten off drive-thru because our manager want me to do a few things before he left. Brett asked me to help on line (which is making the food) and I was like sure. Started talking to the new girl, just being polite and Brett suddenly just tells her I'm gay. Then he goes on about he doesn't know how I can choose to live like that and I tried to get through to him that I didn't chose this that this is how God made me. Then he's all 'you want to know what I think about gay marriage' (he and I'd already had this debate so I already knew his opinion and stand on the topic) and I figured okay let him get this out of his system. He goes on for a moment about how it's 'unnatural' and that God put us on the planet to reproduce and then die. I gave me standard arguements and the conversation died, he went so far as to say he didn't want to talk about it anymore so I let it drop. We got back to work and then he just starts bossing me around. I ignored it when out of the blue he asks the new girl what she thinks of lesbian and doesn't she just think it's 'unnatural and disgusting'. Her response was to give him a started look and ask him 'what?' It had slowed and I told him that I thought he wanted to drop the conversation. He said he felt like talking about it some more, I told him I had other work to do which was the truth because I was suppose to make sure everything was dated before I left. As I started dating things he asked me where I thought I was going and ordered me back onto line. I told him that our manager had told me to date things and when he talks to me he needs to do it with more respect. I had to because he'd been talking down to me and it was getting old.
It upset me more than it should have. I know how Brett feels, he's rather conservative in his views mainly because of how he was raised and his religion. I'm hoping that eventually he'll see that I'm a person too and that he can't judge a person by who they love, but today was just tiring and upsetting. I felt drained and had to get extra hugs from my guy friends there. Actually Matt gave me a really nice long brotherly hug earlier. We were slow and I was goofing off and pretended like I was going to use hide so he put his arm's around me and let me use his chest as a pillow for a moment. Which was nice cause I needed a good hug. One of my other friends there found out what Brett said and jokingly told me I should be him up. Brett would learn nothing that way.
Oh and several things Ryan said today has me thinking he might have a crush on Matt or my brother. Which is kinda creepy since he'll come up to me at random moments and tell me intimate details about his sex life for seemingly no reason whatsoever escept to try and freak me out.
Anyway I'm tired and I needed to vent and now I have so I guess I'll go.
