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My head is full. Way, way to much writing that I need to do. I think I need a week to myself with nothing but a computer and time and then maybe I'd get a portion of this out of my head and not feel like I'm drowning.
Which isn't going to happen. Work and school. Summer classes are freaky cause they go so fast. There is test nearly every class time. I feel like I barely have enough time to attempt to cram and there's test I have to take. I fail to see how I'm going to retain any of the info they're trying to teach me.
I'm freaking out a bit actually. My dad woke me up today. I didn't get out of work till late and then I had to dry my sheets because when I did my laundry yesterday my brother pulled them out of the dryer and I just took them home and as I was about to put them on my bed I realized they were wet so I had to put them in my Grandma's dryer before I could go to sleep after work. So I got to sleep late and my dad stopped by and woke me up. I ended up in my pj laying on my bed talking to him because I was tired. He stepped in my room and then stopped and looked down...at a lesbian magazine and book I had laying out. I'd been cleaning and put all my magazines and books in one spot. He just stared at them as he was talking to me. He didn't say anything to me about them, but I dont' know if he won't bring it up later. This is afterall the same man who told me to keep all my 'gay shit' out of 'his house' Of couse they were in my room at my Grandma's, but still. I hate this I shouldn't feel guilty because I didn't hide something. I should be able to just put my things on shelves instead of bags and boxes out of sight. I feel so trapped.
I don't go out because everytime I've dated someone they haven't respected that my parents won't accept my being gay. I hate hiding who I am. I hate not dating. I hate that my mom keeps trying to let me let her hook me up with guys. A part of me wishes I could just move out, but then where would I be? I have maybe a year until I get an associates, which I wouldn't be able to afford to finish if I was out on my own. I can't leave my Grandma either. I know my mom thinks she'd do better in assisted living, but this is her home, has been her home since her and Pop built it after they got married...how could we go and ask her to live some place else? I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I feel so trapped.
Work is great though. This one girl I work with all the time just got into a relationship with her best friend of twenty-two years and it's scary. She practically glowing everytime I look at her. She constantly talking about how it's like getting to know someone new except that you thought you knew everything about that person. I've just never seen anyone look that happy before. It's beautiful.
Which isn't going to happen. Work and school. Summer classes are freaky cause they go so fast. There is test nearly every class time. I feel like I barely have enough time to attempt to cram and there's test I have to take. I fail to see how I'm going to retain any of the info they're trying to teach me.
I'm freaking out a bit actually. My dad woke me up today. I didn't get out of work till late and then I had to dry my sheets because when I did my laundry yesterday my brother pulled them out of the dryer and I just took them home and as I was about to put them on my bed I realized they were wet so I had to put them in my Grandma's dryer before I could go to sleep after work. So I got to sleep late and my dad stopped by and woke me up. I ended up in my pj laying on my bed talking to him because I was tired. He stepped in my room and then stopped and looked down...at a lesbian magazine and book I had laying out. I'd been cleaning and put all my magazines and books in one spot. He just stared at them as he was talking to me. He didn't say anything to me about them, but I dont' know if he won't bring it up later. This is afterall the same man who told me to keep all my 'gay shit' out of 'his house' Of couse they were in my room at my Grandma's, but still. I hate this I shouldn't feel guilty because I didn't hide something. I should be able to just put my things on shelves instead of bags and boxes out of sight. I feel so trapped.
I don't go out because everytime I've dated someone they haven't respected that my parents won't accept my being gay. I hate hiding who I am. I hate not dating. I hate that my mom keeps trying to let me let her hook me up with guys. A part of me wishes I could just move out, but then where would I be? I have maybe a year until I get an associates, which I wouldn't be able to afford to finish if I was out on my own. I can't leave my Grandma either. I know my mom thinks she'd do better in assisted living, but this is her home, has been her home since her and Pop built it after they got married...how could we go and ask her to live some place else? I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I feel so trapped.
Work is great though. This one girl I work with all the time just got into a relationship with her best friend of twenty-two years and it's scary. She practically glowing everytime I look at her. She constantly talking about how it's like getting to know someone new except that you thought you knew everything about that person. I've just never seen anyone look that happy before. It's beautiful.