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Title: This Time Around
Fandom: BTVS
Pairing: Xander/Larry, Xander/Spike
Rating: PG-13
Summary: S4 Xander reflects on his past relationships and makes a decision about his relationship with Spike.
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with BTVS, it’s not my toy box. I’m merely playing.
A/N: I originally wrote this in 2003 and it was my very first slash piece. It's supposed to be from Xander's pov, hence the rambling.
This Time Around:
Spike sometimes calls me poof. I know what he means by it. He does it to insult me, little does he know...I admit I freaked the first time I realized what he meant, I thought he knew something. He doesn't, or maybe he does. I think what I'm trying to say, but not really come out and say it is I thought he knew something about Larry.
Good old, use to beat me up then came out, turned into a real person and while he still had the aggression he didn't take it out on anyone unless it was on the field Larry. Yeah I'm sure you know who I'm talking about. The way he put it he was so out his grandmother was hooking him up with guys. He came out to me, then everyone else, after I nearly accused him of being a werewolf. Turned out it was Wills little boyfriend Oz. Oz, good ole Oz he...anyway yeah Larry. Thought he was a werewolf, told him I could relate, I meant my time spent possessed by a hyena, he took it to mean I was gay too. How little he knew.
I like girls. There was the whole crush on Buffy. How could one not crush on the Buffster, all cute in those little clothes running around with super powers. Yeah, nothing ever came of that.
Then there was Cordy, our little love-hate relationship. I like to think I helped her become a better person. After all she did tell off Harmony and her gang for me. Sometimes I wonder about Cordy, our relationship, I could chalk it all up to teenage hormones and our mutual loathing, but sometimes I wonder if in some sick twisted way it was a way to get closer to Jesse. Like he couldn't get Queen C so if I did I honored my best friend somehow. Sick in a twisted way I know. I did grow to love Cordy and losing her did hurt.
I ruined Cordy and mines relationship by ignoring the tension between Wills and I for too long. Which if you think about it wouldn't have built to such a point if Buff hadn't been there all distracting like. I was sixteen-seventeen and I'm a guy this I can totally blame it on. So I kissed Wills, Cordy found out, we broke up and somehow it brought forth a vengeance demon to curse me in the process. I'd say spending prom with her was vengeance enough.
Strange thing though, Anya fell for me. Is that the Hellmouth's version of irony or what? Her losing her powers and falling for the last guy she was suppose to curse, does not exactly sound sane to me. Anya's nice, I think I could grow to love her, but our relationship seems to go on an off. Lately it's on one of those off cycles.
Anyway back to Larry since your probably all with the shut up Xander and get to the point. Look, it happened after that whole demon touching Buffy and her being able to read everyone's mind incident. She heard someone say they were going to kill all of us, turns out it was the cafeteria lady. Can I just take time out here to say Sunnydale was the weirdest place to grow up. Oh and Buff managed to stop Jonathan from killing himself. The point being we all had to find suspects. I accused Larry, which now that I dwell on it might have just been because in some odd way I was attracted to him. Probably because he was so openly gay and I couldn't, can barely even now, admit to myself that I find other guys attractive. Larry decided to help me.
After our conversation in the lunch room he got it in his head to find me and see how I was not dealing-remember he thought the werewolf conversation meant I was gay too-he decided to talk to me a moment. I stammered out a few punch lines, he tried to be understanding. Then he kissed me. One moment were trying to have a conversation that I wasn't about to have take place and the next his lips are all over mine.
I admit my first reaction, in my head, was to shove him away and throw a fit. Only I didn't. I began to actually feel the kiss and it was just beyond...it was intense, more intense then any kiss I'd had up until that point. This was the type of kiss people write about okay? One of those the whole world just spins away kisses. So I did the only think I could think to do, I kissed him back.
When he pulled away he was panting slightly and had this wide eyes look.
"Harris th-th-that," he stuttered (Yeah I actually made Larry, this guy who use to beat me up, stutter) was all he managed before pulling me in for another kiss.
After that Larry didn't have any problem with me not coming out, as long as he got his kisses. We managed to be sneaker then Cordelia and I or even Wills and I had ever been. No one ever knew.
Then Graduation/Ascension Day came. I got to be key guy, remember that I Xander Harris was key guy. It was my moment of glory, it was also one of the most tragic days of my life. See when Larry and I got together we never really did much talking, it was mostly kissing, lots and lots of smoochies. I miss those smoochies. Larry knew something big was about to happen, he helped set up. He also pulled me aside before the big ceremony for some before-we-go-into-doom-lets-have-some-smoochies kisses. Before we walked away from each other he kinda held me a little, told me he knew I was planning on going away this summer and he told me knew I wasn't ready for anyone to know about my liking guys too- the way he put it I'm bi- he also told me he'd like to date me and maybe if I wanted we could try to work something out. Then he gave me his number and told me that if somehow we managed to survive this and I wanted to to give him a call. Then he gave me one last kiss and walked away forever.
I survived, Larry didn't. I didn't even realize until later when I got home. I was going to call him, I actually had the phone in my hands, when I heard the news giving the names of the people who had died at out graduation. When I heard Larry's name the shock was so bad I hit the floor, literally.
I left for my cross-country trip the very next morning. I didn't want the others to realize my pain. It took me over a month and a half to actually feel that sense of closure. I've never even told anyone until now.
Which of course brings us back to Spike and his poof comment. At first I thought he knew something. Then I realized it was just another of his insults. Then I noticed the look he gave me when he said it and I started to wonder if maybe Spike was good for something after all. Which came as quite a shock let me tell you, I thought after getting chipped the only think he was good for was mooching off of me and lurking in the basement.
The thing is I don't know if its a guy thing or just a Larry thing, that intensity when we kissed. Sure every girl I've kissed its been 'wow', but with Larry it was more of a mind numbing stomach clenching, but in a good way, experience. I'm just not sure how much of that was Larry and how much of it had to do with him being a guy. And with Anya not speaking to me at the moment I mean to find out and possibly find out with Spike. Crazy, I know. Still the next time he calls me 'poof' I'm prepared, I tell him, "You call all the guys you're attracted to that?"
My comment causes him to raise his eyebrows. I'm expecting some smart ass comment but instead he slowly looks me up and down with this devious smirk growing on his face. He stalks closer and I get closer to panic and decide to back down. He cuts off all my protest with his mouth and suddenly I'm gone, lost in him. His kiss is filled with all the same intensities as Larry's. It has all the same intensity I've been craving. I can't help but be lost in it. I think maybe, just maybe, this time around things might turn out differently.
Fandom: BTVS
Pairing: Xander/Larry, Xander/Spike
Rating: PG-13
Summary: S4 Xander reflects on his past relationships and makes a decision about his relationship with Spike.
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with BTVS, it’s not my toy box. I’m merely playing.
A/N: I originally wrote this in 2003 and it was my very first slash piece. It's supposed to be from Xander's pov, hence the rambling.
This Time Around:
Spike sometimes calls me poof. I know what he means by it. He does it to insult me, little does he know...I admit I freaked the first time I realized what he meant, I thought he knew something. He doesn't, or maybe he does. I think what I'm trying to say, but not really come out and say it is I thought he knew something about Larry.
Good old, use to beat me up then came out, turned into a real person and while he still had the aggression he didn't take it out on anyone unless it was on the field Larry. Yeah I'm sure you know who I'm talking about. The way he put it he was so out his grandmother was hooking him up with guys. He came out to me, then everyone else, after I nearly accused him of being a werewolf. Turned out it was Wills little boyfriend Oz. Oz, good ole Oz he...anyway yeah Larry. Thought he was a werewolf, told him I could relate, I meant my time spent possessed by a hyena, he took it to mean I was gay too. How little he knew.
I like girls. There was the whole crush on Buffy. How could one not crush on the Buffster, all cute in those little clothes running around with super powers. Yeah, nothing ever came of that.
Then there was Cordy, our little love-hate relationship. I like to think I helped her become a better person. After all she did tell off Harmony and her gang for me. Sometimes I wonder about Cordy, our relationship, I could chalk it all up to teenage hormones and our mutual loathing, but sometimes I wonder if in some sick twisted way it was a way to get closer to Jesse. Like he couldn't get Queen C so if I did I honored my best friend somehow. Sick in a twisted way I know. I did grow to love Cordy and losing her did hurt.
I ruined Cordy and mines relationship by ignoring the tension between Wills and I for too long. Which if you think about it wouldn't have built to such a point if Buff hadn't been there all distracting like. I was sixteen-seventeen and I'm a guy this I can totally blame it on. So I kissed Wills, Cordy found out, we broke up and somehow it brought forth a vengeance demon to curse me in the process. I'd say spending prom with her was vengeance enough.
Strange thing though, Anya fell for me. Is that the Hellmouth's version of irony or what? Her losing her powers and falling for the last guy she was suppose to curse, does not exactly sound sane to me. Anya's nice, I think I could grow to love her, but our relationship seems to go on an off. Lately it's on one of those off cycles.
Anyway back to Larry since your probably all with the shut up Xander and get to the point. Look, it happened after that whole demon touching Buffy and her being able to read everyone's mind incident. She heard someone say they were going to kill all of us, turns out it was the cafeteria lady. Can I just take time out here to say Sunnydale was the weirdest place to grow up. Oh and Buff managed to stop Jonathan from killing himself. The point being we all had to find suspects. I accused Larry, which now that I dwell on it might have just been because in some odd way I was attracted to him. Probably because he was so openly gay and I couldn't, can barely even now, admit to myself that I find other guys attractive. Larry decided to help me.
After our conversation in the lunch room he got it in his head to find me and see how I was not dealing-remember he thought the werewolf conversation meant I was gay too-he decided to talk to me a moment. I stammered out a few punch lines, he tried to be understanding. Then he kissed me. One moment were trying to have a conversation that I wasn't about to have take place and the next his lips are all over mine.
I admit my first reaction, in my head, was to shove him away and throw a fit. Only I didn't. I began to actually feel the kiss and it was just beyond...it was intense, more intense then any kiss I'd had up until that point. This was the type of kiss people write about okay? One of those the whole world just spins away kisses. So I did the only think I could think to do, I kissed him back.
When he pulled away he was panting slightly and had this wide eyes look.
"Harris th-th-that," he stuttered (Yeah I actually made Larry, this guy who use to beat me up, stutter) was all he managed before pulling me in for another kiss.
After that Larry didn't have any problem with me not coming out, as long as he got his kisses. We managed to be sneaker then Cordelia and I or even Wills and I had ever been. No one ever knew.
Then Graduation/Ascension Day came. I got to be key guy, remember that I Xander Harris was key guy. It was my moment of glory, it was also one of the most tragic days of my life. See when Larry and I got together we never really did much talking, it was mostly kissing, lots and lots of smoochies. I miss those smoochies. Larry knew something big was about to happen, he helped set up. He also pulled me aside before the big ceremony for some before-we-go-into-doom-lets-have-some-smoochies kisses. Before we walked away from each other he kinda held me a little, told me he knew I was planning on going away this summer and he told me knew I wasn't ready for anyone to know about my liking guys too- the way he put it I'm bi- he also told me he'd like to date me and maybe if I wanted we could try to work something out. Then he gave me his number and told me that if somehow we managed to survive this and I wanted to to give him a call. Then he gave me one last kiss and walked away forever.
I survived, Larry didn't. I didn't even realize until later when I got home. I was going to call him, I actually had the phone in my hands, when I heard the news giving the names of the people who had died at out graduation. When I heard Larry's name the shock was so bad I hit the floor, literally.
I left for my cross-country trip the very next morning. I didn't want the others to realize my pain. It took me over a month and a half to actually feel that sense of closure. I've never even told anyone until now.
Which of course brings us back to Spike and his poof comment. At first I thought he knew something. Then I realized it was just another of his insults. Then I noticed the look he gave me when he said it and I started to wonder if maybe Spike was good for something after all. Which came as quite a shock let me tell you, I thought after getting chipped the only think he was good for was mooching off of me and lurking in the basement.
The thing is I don't know if its a guy thing or just a Larry thing, that intensity when we kissed. Sure every girl I've kissed its been 'wow', but with Larry it was more of a mind numbing stomach clenching, but in a good way, experience. I'm just not sure how much of that was Larry and how much of it had to do with him being a guy. And with Anya not speaking to me at the moment I mean to find out and possibly find out with Spike. Crazy, I know. Still the next time he calls me 'poof' I'm prepared, I tell him, "You call all the guys you're attracted to that?"
My comment causes him to raise his eyebrows. I'm expecting some smart ass comment but instead he slowly looks me up and down with this devious smirk growing on his face. He stalks closer and I get closer to panic and decide to back down. He cuts off all my protest with his mouth and suddenly I'm gone, lost in him. His kiss is filled with all the same intensities as Larry's. It has all the same intensity I've been craving. I can't help but be lost in it. I think maybe, just maybe, this time around things might turn out differently.