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rivulet027 Feb. 25th, 2021 12:02 am)
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Title: Embrace It, Balance It, Carry It
Fandom: Star Wars
Pairings: Kallus/Zeb
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Star Wars. It's not my toy box and I'm merely playing.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jedi Kallus AU. Zeb's POV. When Cassian wants Kanan to help him take a force sensitive toddler to meet some Jedi Hera asks Zeb to go along. Kallus is one of those Jedi and goes back to Atollon with them.
A/N: Written for the Kalluzeb Minibang. Title is from the Mary Oliver poem Heavy. Also Kanan being a sober alcoholic is mentioned. There is very brief background Sabine/Ketsu. Mentions events from Jedi: Fallen Order. Art by Clarismart, which is at the end of the fic on AO3.
Embrace It, Balance It, Carry It:
For all that Chopper Base is currently where he and his family is living Zeb doesn’t think Atollon will ever feel like home. He’s going to have nightmares about the spiders long after they leave. A part of him hopes, possibly plaintively, that the krykna will be the only nightmares that Atollon leaves him with. He reminds himself that it’s a Rebellion base, the concept behind it is it’s supposed to be temporary. It’s a place to rest and train, to work and bond with others who oppose the Empire, but it’s not a permanent home. Zeb tries to ignore the ache the thought leaves him with. He hasn’t wanted to be part of a community, couldn’t spare the energy for more than the small family he’s built with the Spectres, since Lasan was destroyed. It’s odd to feel that need now, especially when Atollon is clearly temporary, his family is hurting, and the Imperials are still trying to hunt them.
Zeb doesn’t want to go near the edges of the base, to see the krykna that are crawling around just outside the sensor beacons, but Kanan’s been out there all day and it’s his turn to take a meal to his friend and try to be there if he wants to talk about what happened on Malachor.
A Nautolan youngling giggles as he toddles past Zeb, attempting to follow Ezra. K-2SO is following sedately behind, possibly trusting that his long limbs will be able to pull the child away from any danger he might wander into. Zeb grips the tray in his hands tightly as he shifts around them. Ezra stops, grimaces, then sighs. He takes a slow breath, then turns and lets the toddler stumble into his arms. Zeb smiles slightly. Ezra is hurting as much as Kanan is and neither one of them is ready to talk about it beyond their initial reports.
“Want to play a game?” Ezra asks softly. His eyes are still sad, but his focus is on the child he’s holding. The Nautolan nods and grins. Ezra tries smiling back, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Got him?” Zeb asks.
Ezra glances at him, takes in the tray in his hands, and then looks past him, possibly to take in Kanan meditating at the very edge of their base as alone and away from everyone as he can get. Ezra shakes his head, then gives Zeb a wane smile. “Kaito and I are going to float stuff at each other, aren’t we?”
Kaito giggles again and touches Ezra’s cheek. Ezra smiles softly and Zeb resists the urge to reach out and touch Ezra’s head. Once it would’ve been to ruffle Ezra’s hair, but he shaved it off and is keeping it short. Ezra isn’t as free with touching, or leaning on others, as he had been before Malachor and Zeb is trying to respect his new boundaries, even though Lasats reassure themselves of the safety of their family members through touch, both scenting and grooming. He’s been around humans and Twi’leks enough to know that while touch is important, sometimes they have different boundaries and sometimes when they’re hurt their boundaries change. So he keeps his hands to himself and nods instead, before he goes back to taking Kanan his lunch.
Hera peels away from her conversation with Captain Andor to join him just as he steps out of the shade of the base and into Atollon’s brightness. “Zeb wait.”
He stops and turns towards her. She touches his wrist, but looks past him towards Kanan. “I have a favor to ask.”
“You mean a mission.”
She shakes her head. “A mission for Kanan, but I’d feel better about it if you went with him.”
“Kanan? He’s not ready!”
Her fingers curl around his wrist and squeeze, a reassurance. Her voice is full of concern, “I’d rather give him the time he needs to come to terms with what happened, but Ahsoka’s...not here and we have a force sensitive toddler that’s already lost his parents. We have to get him to safety.”
“That’s why Andor brought Kaito here, to...does Kanan even know where Ahsoka was taking the younglings?”
“No, he doesn’t. He asked not to incase he was captured, but Captain Andor knows and he’s arranged a meeting. The Jedi she’s been leaving them with are well hidden, but cautious. We think the meeting will go better if there is a Fulcrum agent and a Jedi there,” Hera explains.
Zeb’s shoulders slump. “Kanan’s not going to like it.”
For a moment Zeb wants to suggest they send Ezra. Kaito likes Ezra, has liked Ezra since Andor dumped the youngling in Ezra’s arms and told K-2SO to keep track of both of them, but Ezra, like Kanan, is full of guilt for what happened on Malachor. Kanan is settling into despair, but Ezra is leaning towards resentment. He frustrates easily and is starting to lash out with words. Zeb thinks about how long Ezra survived on his own and how long it took him to learn he could rely on others again and knows that meeting other Jedi who are in hiding, who might have been able to help him sooner than the Spectres did, wouldn’t be healthy for him, not as he is now. Maybe in the future, maybe when things calm, and Ezra is back to an equilibrium that lets him hear what others are trying to tell him. Taking Kaito to a Jedi who will then take him to a community of Jedi will just stir the resentment that’s simmering inside Ezra. It won’t help and it might make things worse, but Kanan, who’s slipping into the despair of survivor’s guilt, might benefit from the community these Jedi would offer, even if it's brief. Kanan’s not going to like it, will likely resist at first, but this might be what he needs.
“That’s why I’m asking you to go as well,” Hera explains. “I need someone there that can support him and he trusts you enough to let you see him when he’s feeling weak.”
“Yeah,” Zeb agrees. He, Hera, and Kanan have shared enough sleepless nights to know what parts of the past still haunt each other. “I’ll let him know.”
“Thank you.”
Zeb sighs, “You’re welcome.”
He turns his back towards the barrier as he reaches Kanan. He really doesn’t need to see the krykna. He had an irrational fear of spiders before Atollan, the krykna are going to leave him with arachnophobia and nightmares. Kanan tilts his head towards Zeb. “I’m not hungry. I want to be alone.”
“You skipped breakfast and you’re sitting in the hot sun. At least drink something or you’ll make the medics cry.”
Kanan shifts to sitting like he was before Zeb trotted out here with a meal tray.
“Look, you either drink the water or I dump it over your head to cool you off.”
“You won’t,” Kanan says.
“Chopper would and I can send him out next,” Zeb points out.
“I’m worrying you. I’m sorry.”
Zeb resists the urge to sigh as he touches the thermos of water to Kanan’s hand. Kanan shifts his hand to grasp it, then touches the top to figure out which thermos Zeb gave him and how it opens. He takes a slow drink of water. Zeb waits until the thermo is resting on Kanan’s knee before he says, “Hera has a mission for us.”
Kanan’s laugh is mirthless. “A mission? What help would I be? I’d only hinder the mission.”
Zeb wishes there was a place to sit that wasn’t sand that would get into his fur. He flexes his toes instead as he wonders about the differences between self-pity and self-loathing. Self-loathing and survivor’s guilt he understands, deeply and intimately.
“There’s a force sensitive youngling that needs to be taken to safety. The Jedi that were helping Ahsoka do so want to meet with a Fulcrum agent and a Jedi,” Zeb informs him gently.
Kanan still flinches at Ahsoka’s name. He gives himself a moment, takes a slow breath in and out, before he suggests, “Ezra might be better…”
“It wouldn’t be healthy for him,” Zeb points out. He waits for Kanan to ask about his health, about his own needs, but he doesn’t. Kanan’s shoulder’s slump instead. All Kanan wants is to be alone to process what happened on Malachor and Zeb wishes he could allow him that, but they need Kanan for this and Ezra needs Kanan too. Zeb isn’t sure how deeply Ezra will flounder while being left alone. He’s not leaning on them as he normally would. Malachor is still affecting Ezra’s ability to trust, Zeb just isn’t sure if it’s Ezra’s trust in himself or his trust in others.
Kanan closes the thermos and then starts to push himself upwards. Zeb shakes his head, then realizes the gesture won’t be seen.
“Eat something first,” Zeb advises. Kanan sinks back down, settles the thermos near him, then holds his hands out for the tray.
When they get back to base it’s to overhear Andor attempting to persuade Hera. “I know I can’t take Kaytoo, but you could at least let your murderbot go along.”
Hera shakes her head. “Chopper doesn’t have his memory erased and the coordinates are too classified.”
“This means they’ll have time to get to know each other,” Andor warns, tone resigned.
Hera presses her lips together, but doesn’t comment. Zeb tries not to laugh. Chopper doesn’t socialize with droids very often, seems to avoid it actually, or avoid socializing more than he has to, but he’s teamed up with an R2 unit when they were on Lothal and he’s made friends with AP-5. Is Andor worried that Chopper will be a bad influence on Kaytoo or that Kaytoo will be an influence on Chopper? Zeb doesn’t think Andor should worry about that later, Chopper isn’t about to let anyone influence him.
He’s about to point this out when Ezra turns to see them. The rock he’s teaching Kaito to float drops to the ground. Kaito grabs it as Ezra picks him up, then he deposits the toddler on top of Chopper before walking away. Kanan’s grip tightens on his arm and Zeb doesn’t know what to say to help ease the tension. Chopper zooms in a circle around all of them making Kaito laugh.
Settling Kanan and Kaito in the cockpit doesn’t take long when the toddler falls asleep on Kanan quickly. After he and Andor double check their supplies they take off. The journey takes two days, which gives them all a chance to take turns keeping Kaito occupied.
The meeting is at an old Republic base that's already been stripped of supplies, near where the Mid Rim gives way to the Outer Rim. Two Jedi are waiting for them: a Rodian and a human. They’re not dressed like the Jedi that Zeb remembers, but that would be dangerous. The Rodian is wearing a dark vest over a lighter tunic that seems to highlight the pale swirling green of her skin, while the human is wearing a darker tunic over a long sleeve crisp black shirt that almost washes out his pale features. Zeb’s gaze keeps straying to the human. It’s been a long time since he saw mutton chops worthy of a Lasat and to see them on a human is making Zeb want to know more about him. Then he realizes the weapon he’s only catching glimpses of, because it’s strapped to the human’s back, is a bo-rifle and every part of him goes cold. Kanan shifts behind him, holding Kaito.
“What is it?” Kanan asks, voice low and soft. “What’s wrong?”
Andor stops ahead of him, hand straying towards his blaster as he looks for a place they can all hide if it comes to that.
“He’s got a bo-rifle,” Zeb explains.
“I don’t know that I can get back to the ship on my own,” Kanan confesses.
The Rodian steps towards them raising her hands slowly to show she’s not holding any weapons. It’s not actually reassuring, Zeb knows how quickly she can use the Force to call her lightsaber to her. “I’m Ganodi, this is Kallus. Is there a problem?”
Zeb knows he’s here to help. He doesn’t want to cause problems, but if they’re going to hand over Kaito he also needs to know that the youngling will be safe. “Yeah, where’d you get that bo-rifle?”
Ganodi turns to give Kallus a look that says they clearly discussed his bringing his bo-rifle beforehand. As Kallus gives Ganodi a neutral look, then looks past her to take Zeb in slowly, Zeb moves to stand more protectively in front of Kanan and Kaito. He wishes Andor was closer, that it would be easy to grab Andor so the Fulcrum agent would be able to safely get Kanan and Kaito back to the ship.
Ganodi says something sharp and quiet that Zeb doesn’t quite catch. Kallus raises his hands slowly. Zeb resists rolling his eyes. Kallus also has a lightsaber and a blaster. Finally Kallus answers, “An honor guardsman. He read a situation incorrectly. I deemed that allowing him to continue would put others in harm's way and we fought. I won and he offered me his bo-rifle. He’s still alive, just demoted.”
Zeb goes carefully still. It’s a better story than the death of a honors guardsman by a Jedi. It makes what Zeb was starting to read as a trap, not a trap, and yet it’s not a lot of details. Kanan touches his shoulder, well touches just below his shoulder. “I don’t sense that he’s lying.”
Zeb wants to know more, wants details. He wants to know about another Lasat that’s alive at the same time he doesn’t want to endanger them by asking. It’s been so long since he’s gotten to spar with another person wielding a bo-rifle that he longs for that too.
This mission is supposed to be about Kanan, a youngling, and the Jedi. He’s not supposed to feel as if he’s drowning in his past. It’s a pain he isn’t prepared for and he wants more than anything to retreat to the ship, to say he’s no longer needed and walk away. Zeb forces himself to take a measured breath and remind himself that Kanan does need him. He will push aside his pain and regrets to make sure that Kanan has his support, that Kaito is safely given to the Jedi, and then when they get back to base he’ll vent to Hera or Rex about how much harder this was than he anticipated. He’s not going to spare thoughts for the ridiculously handsome human with a bo-rife and a past with a Lasat that’s still alive.
Ganodi and Kallus approach slowly and then Kaito is reaching for Ganodi and once Kanan is sure she’s got him he lets go. Then Kanan stands there awkwardly, shoulders stiff, before he reaches out for Zeb’s arm.
“We were hoping Kallus could go back with you, to act as our liaison,” Ganodi says as she settles Kaito on her hip.
Kanan fingers tighten briefly on his arm, before he wets his lips. “I’m sorry, this must have been easier with Ahsoka.”
“I knew her from before,” Ganodi acknowledges.
For a moment Zeb thinks Kanan is going to ask if she remembers him, if Ganodi is a person he knew when he was young.
She reaches out slowly and takes Kanan’s hand, giving it a squeeze before she continues, “You already have duties and responsibilities, you can’t easily step into her role, which is why Kallus is volunteering.”
Andor raises his eyebrows. “You want to be a Fulcrum agent?”
“I want to help,” Kallus says. “In whatever way proves to do the most good.”
Andor nods. They say their goodbyes to Kaito and head back to the ship. Zeb tries not to feel trepidation at being stuck on the ship for two days with a man he finds himself having so many questions about.
Kanan's grip on his arm is tight and makes Zeb wonder what trepidation his friend is having about Kallus.
"Did you know him before?" Zeb asks, attempting to keep his voice low.
Kanan frowns as he considers the question, then slowly he shakes his head. “I don’t think so.”
Kallus turns slightly to look back at them, from where he’s walking ahead and talking with Andor. For a moment Zeb thinks he’s going to attempt to talk to Kanan, he opens his mouth as if he’s going to, but then Andor asks him something, and he turns back to answer. They’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other on the trip back to base.
“We need to figure out if he knows about the chips,” Kanan whispers at him, before grimacing.
“Rex will be safe,” Zeb tries to reassure. They’ve got two days stuck on the ship to make sure Kallus understands that Rex is with them, Wolffe and Gregor too.
Kanan barks out a sad laugh. “He should blame me. I don’t understand why he doesn’t.”
Zeb doesn’t know what to say, isn’t sure how to help. Andor and Kallus stop walking and turn towards them.
Kanan stills, his grip going tight on Zeb’s arm again. Kanan’s lips press together briefly. Zeb wants to say something to help. Kanan takes several slow deep breaths and then apologizes.
“We’ve all been through…” Kallus starts to offer.
“We need to stay on task until we’re in hyperspace,” Andor interrupts. “We need to make sure the other team is away and in hyperspace and then we need to leave. We can discuss anything else once we’re safely back on the ship and in hyperspace, understood?”
Zeb bristles, feels his fur start to stand up, even though he knows Andor’s right.
“I’m sorry,” Kanan says. “I’ve got it together now.”
Andor starts to shake his head, then aborts the movement. “You don’t need to apologize, it’s understandable. Safety is just the main concern right now.”
They make it back to the ship without any more conversation. Zeb listens quietly as Andor confirms with Ganodi that she and Kaito made it back to her ship, then Kallus and Ganodi say quick goodbyes. Then they’re in hyperspace.
“Blame you?” Kallus asks, turning his chair so he can look at Kanan.
Kanan shakes his head slowly.
Kallus studies Kanan quietly a moment before he says, "No one blames you."
“I don’t want to talk about this,” Kanan says, voice going small and quiet. “Not with you.”
“Who would you want to talk about it with?” Kallus asks.
Kanan tilts his head towards where Kallus is sitting, his fingers twist around each other in his lap. They sit quietly. Kallus’ gaze is unwavering even though Kanan can’t see it. Can he feel it? Are they using the Force to communicate somehow? Zeb isn’t really sure how it works.
Kallus’ shoulders fall. He looks down at the hands he’s resting on his knees, then up at Zeb, before he glances to where Andor is piloting the ship. He sighs. “I was on Lasan when the purge happened. Master Tapal suggested I spend time with a mystic there. I later found out he and his padawan had blown up the ship they were on and...I felt guilty for a long time. If I’d been there, nothing significant would’ve gone differently. If I hadn’t been on Lasan I’d have likely been on some other world with...I’d be dead too. Instead I stay with Chava and...”
“You knew Chava the Wise?” Zeb asks, unable to hold the question in.
Kallus’ lips quirk up slowly and Zeb isn’t sure why he finds that so fascinating. If a slow smile, a soft smile, transforms Kallus’ face so much, what would laughter do?
He inclines his head towards Zeb. “I know where she is.”
She’s alive! Zeb isn’t sure what to do with the hope that flares inside of him at the thought of another Lasat alive.
“You know where the Lasats are?” Andor asks, voice even and serious.
“There are Lasats in one place?” Kallus tosses back. His tone is full of disbelief, but it’s a false disbelief. There are other Lasats, more than one, more than him. For a moment Zeb feels dizzy with relief and hope. Kanan squeezes his wrist.
“It should’ve been someone other than you, someone without vital information,” Andor points out.
“Rumors,” Kallus tells him. “You’d turn down help over rumors?”
Andor turns in his chair to face them, “Is there someone else that knows where to take them?”
“That was thought of before I offered to come with you,” Kallus counters.
Andor frowns. “And if you’re captured?”
“I think it’d more likely they’d try to kill me,” Kallus says.
“You know where not one, but two communities are staying hidden from the Empire.” Andor’s eyes are sad, while the rest of him is tense.
Hidden communities? Zeb isn’t sure what to think. The squeeze of Kanan’s hand against his wrist is grounding.
“I don’t think I should overhear this,” Zeb interjects before Kallus can counter Andor’s words.
“You don’t want to?” Kallus asks.
“I shouldn’t,” Zeb reiterates. If he finds out about a community of Lasats then he’s going to want to see it for himself and he can’t leave his family. They need his help and support right now, more than ever. He can’t let himself be divided, not in the middle of this war.
Perhaps sensing Zeb’s need for a subject change or the tension that is Kallus and Andor still studying each other, Kanan asks, “You knew Master Tapal?”
“I was his first padawan,” Kallus answers.
“You knew Cal?” Kanan continues.
“Yes. You knew him too?”
Kanan nods slowly. “When we were young we decided that he would go by Cal and I would go by Caleb.”
Kallus grimaces, a momentary flash of pain in his expression, before he smooths his features. “You’re Caleb.”
“I was. I’m Kanan now.”
Kallus covers his mouth with his hand, then nods. Zeb manages to not roll his eyes.
“Thank you for telling me,” Kallus says carefully.
Andor shakes his head. “I’m tired…”
There are more words that Andor wants to say, Zeb almost expects an explanation about just what about the galaxy is causing Andor to feel tired, but instead Andor stands and moves to the back of the ship, towards the bunks.
Kanan leans into him. Zeb leans back.
“Do you mind if I try and sleep too?” Kanan asks. “Not that I’m much help flying the ship.”
Kallus opens his mouth, like he wants to ask Kanan something else, or continue their conversation, but he shakes his head and awkwardly leans back in his chair. Zeb snorts. Kallus raises an eyebrow in challenge and Zeb blinks slowly, takes in the way Kallus’ feet are spread, the way one of his arms rests against the back of the chair behind his head, while the other lies in his lap and tells himself it isn’t enticing. Kallus doesn’t want him to find it enticing, Zeb tells himself next. Kallus smirks slowly. Zeb shakes his head.
“Um, that was kind of a question,” Kanan interrupts.
“Sorry,” Zeb manages. “Do you need some help?”
Kanan sighs and shakes his head before patting his arm. “I can get myself to the fresher and to bed.”
Then Zeb is alone with Kallus, who just tilts his head and raises his eyebrows again. Zeb slumps in his seat and crosses his arms, managing to glare. He doesn’t want to find a strange Jedi with a bo-rifle and a connection to his own people enticing. It’s ridiculous! It is ridiculous, isn’t it?
“So,” Kallus starts.
Zeb stands. “I’m going to check the navicomputer.”
Kallus blinks up at him, then nods. “I suppose I’ll meditate then.”
“Good, that sounds good.”
Kallus nods again. Zeb rolls his eyes at himself before settling into the pilot’s seat and trying not to pay attention to the slow way Kallus is breathing. He’s never found Kanan’s or Ezra’s meditating distracting, not that Kanan can get Ezra to sit still long enough to meditate often. It’s been a long time since Kanan tried to get Ezra to meditate.
“What’s making you sad?” Kallus asks.
“Thinking about my friends,” Zeb answers. “They’re hurting right now and I don’t know how to help.”
“I know that feeling well,” Kallus comments. “What have you tried?”
“Giving them space?” Kanan usually needs space when he’s hurting, needs a moment to find his equilibrium, except it’s been weeks, more than a month, and Kanan isn’t saying what else needs, isn’t reaching out for support like he normally would at this point. At least he’s not drinking. Zeb hasn’t even heard Kanan say he wants a drink, and that’s usually an indication that he’s finding the stress he’s under overwhelming, and his usual methods of dealing aren’t working. Zeb isn’t sure how to help, when Kanan is still trying to isolate, isn’t sure how welcome any help would be. Also Zeb isn’t sure that space is what Ezra needs, even if that's what Ezra is trying to act like it's what he needs.
"They faced Maul and then Vader," Kallus summarizes. "We easily could've lost all three of them."
"You don't blame them."
"Of course not, but watching another sacrifice themselves for you, it's easy to blame yourself."
Zeb leans back in his seat. "It's not easy to be the one who survives."
"No, it's not," Kallus agrees.
Zeb turns the seat so he can look at Kallus. Their eyes meet.
"You really don't want me to tell you about your people…" Kallus trails offs, eyes following the movement of Zeb's ears, then the way his fur is bristling. Kallus nods slowly. "Alright. May I ask why?"
Zeb swallows. Most people don't read his body language that easily. He manages a noise of annoyance as he scrubs a hand over his face.
"You don't have to tell me. I'm just curious," Kallus tries to reassure him.
"Because I can't be divided right now. I've got this family that needs me. It took me a long time to find them and they were there for me when I needed them, now it's my turn to be there for them," Zeb explains.
Kallus nods.
"Tell me when we win the war," Zeb means his words to be at least slightly light-hearted, but they don't come out that way. Maybe he's not making the healthiest decision about this, but he knows he can't handle Atollon, being a Spectre, and a part of the Rebellion, while also knowing where other Ladats are and wanting to help them too. He's only one being. He can only handle so much.
Kallus stands, closes the distance between them and curls his hand over Zeb's hand. Zeb shifts his hand so their palms are touching. Kallus squeezes his hand. "I'll hold you to that."
Zeb grins.
"It's Alex or Alexsandr."
"Alex," Zeb repeats. Briefly he wants to tease, wants to cut his last name down to Kal and see if he can give a nickname, except that's nearly the same name of the brother Kallus lost and the friend Kanan lost. No, that would just cause more pain.
Alex smiles. It makes Zeb want to touch more than his hand. Zeb looks away, back at the controls. Alex let's go of him. Zeb resists the urge to rub his hand, to feel that impression of warmth that Alex left behind. He lets himself glance upwards, at Alex standing so close. Their eyes meet again and Alex's cheeks start to go red. Alex rubs the back of his neck, looking towards the door. He sighs and let's his hands drop. "How's the padawan doing? Kanan seems to be struggling for an equilibrium. I can't imagine that this is easy on his padawan."
Zeb isn't sure how to answer. If Alex can help then he is going to need to know the situation he's walking into, but how much information would be breaking confidences?
Alex's eyebrows arch. "That bad?"
Zeb realizes his ears have flattened against his skull. He shakes his head. "No, I...Ezra's been through a lot, had been through a lot before he joined us."
They all had.
"He lost his parents to the Empire and was on his own for a bit. He might think you're trying to replace Kanan…"
"I wouldn't."
"He'll need to know that."
Alex nods his understanding.
"He blames himself for what happened," Zeb continues.
Alex sits in the copilot seat and stretches out his legs with a sigh. “He wouldn’t be the first person Maul manipulated.”
“He didn’t trust easily, when he first joined us,” Zeb comments.
“He thought he found another Jedi,” Alex surmises.
“I think so, yes.”
Alex frowns. “He’ll have to be careful. Maul will manipulate others to get what he wants and if what he wants is Ezra as his apprentice then…”
Alex breaks off and shakes his head.
“You think Ezra’s in danger?”
Alex frowns, clearly thinking about how to answer before he says, “The lengths that he went through to get Master Kenobi’s attention were extreme. It’s a potential situation that we should be careful about.”
“You think Kanan is in danger. He already blinded him!”
“And then he didn’t get what he wanted, he may try and get Ezra or Kanan’s attention another way.”
“They’ve already been through enough,” Zeb growls.
Alex tilts his head. Zeb isn’t sure how to read his face. Isn’t sure what this expression means. Alex’s cheeks start to turn red and he looks away. “It’s just a situation to be aware of. We won’t know what move he’ll make until he does. Would you tell me about your family?”
So Zeb does, keeping the details superficial. He doesn’t know Alex well enough yet for anything more. Alex smiles as Zeb talks, occasionally asking a question. Andor interrupts as Zeb is asking Kallus how long he’s known Ganodi.
“You two better not be sharing infromation you’ll have to kill yourself over if your caught,” Andor complains.
“Just peripheral things,” Kallus reassures.
Andor studies them both with a frown. Zeb wants to joke that Cassian is too young to be so bitter and yet he knows Cassian would point out that he’s been fighting his whole life. Did Cassian even get part of his life without war? Cassian is stationed at a different base, one Zeb doesn’t even know the location of. He’s not sure a brief taste of the family that Hera and Kanan have built or the familiar type of leadership that Commander Sato favors would help Cassian.
“I got enough rest,” Cassian tells them. “Get some yourselves.”
Alex hesitates, watching him. Zeb flicks his ears. Alex smiles. Zeb glances up at Cassian who is studying them both silently.
“Is Lyste going to be a worry?” Zeb asks.
Cassian grimaces. “I don’t think you need to know.”
If K-2SO was here Zeb would have all his questions answered.
“I mean for Sabine,” Zeb tries carefully.
“I’m not sure what you’re asking,” Cassian says.
“After the whole Bahryn thing,” Zeb clarifies. “She recruited him, sort of. He’s not going to expect some sort of romantic attachment, is he?”
Alex raises his eyebrows, looking between Cassian and Zeb.
Cassian shakes his head. “She got him to question things, start to notice things. Lyste likes men so I don’t think she needs to worry about that."
"Do I want to know how you know that?" Zeb prods.
Cassian snorts. "Probably not. He talks too much when he's nervous, had to teach him how to misdirect conversations. Can I have my seat now?”
“Isn’t this Kay’s seat?” Zeb teases lightly as he gets up.
Cassian smiles slightly. Zeb smiles, before he and Alex head for the back of the ship.
After breakfast Zeb sits back and watches as Alex and Kanan meditate together. It leaves Kanan with a slight smile on his face and a posture that’s more relaxed than Zeb has seen him in a long time. Then they start discussing Jedi they’d learned about that were blind. The day passes slowly. It’s not till they’re all settling into chairs for an evening meal that Zeb remembers to ask Alex how long he and Ganodi have known each other.
“A long time,” Alex tells him. “She was my padawan and we continued traveling together after she was knighted. Now she’ll travel with Kaito.”
“She’ll teach Kaito?” Kanan asks.
“Yes, as much as she can.”
“Does that mean Kaito will be her padawan?” Cassian asks.
Alex shrugs. “It’s possible, more than likely, but only time will tell. There aren’t a lot of us left and we try to only travel in pairs, but it’s possible he’ll study with someone else.”
“Just pairs of Jedi?” Zeb asks. When a community of Jedi had been talked about earlier Zeb’s impression wasn’t that it was so fractured. Maybe that’s applies to his people as well, maybe there isn’t a larger community he doesn’t interact with.
Alex nods. “We try to keep it to pairs, sometimes three of us will travel together, but it’s dangerous to gather in groups. We’re discovered more easily that way. Sometimes it’s two Jedi, sometimes it’s a Jedi and a clone.”
Alex is studying them all carefully as he says those last few words.
“You know about the chips,” Kanan says.
Alex’s shoulders relax and Zeb finds himself leaning in. Alex lets himself lean back and Zeb closes his eyes. It’s been awhile since he just sat close to someone like this.
“Yes. I’m glad you know about the chips.”
“We work with Captain Rex,” Kanan informs Alex. “He stays on base. Sometimes we work with Wolffe and Gregor too.”
“You know three,” Alex smiles.
“We don’t need an exact number from you,” Cassian interjects.
“I wouldn’t have one,” Alex informs them.
Cassian sighs and leans back in his chair. He shakes his head, then states, “We keep things separate so if one of us is captured the whole, all of the groups, don’t get unraveled. If we bring the groups together then all the information will get consolidated, but until we do that it’s better to be careful.”
“Understood,” Alex says.
Cassian nods.
Kanan rubs his legs, then leans back in his chair with his eyes closed. “Cassian, is it possible for you to stick around on base for a while? I know you’ll want to train Alex, but there are things he can teach Ezra and that I can’t.”
Cassian sits up. “Ezra is your padawan.”
“Yes,” Kanan agrees. “That doesn’t mean he can’t learn from Alex and that doesn’t mean he stops being my padawan. We all don’t have the same skills. There are things Alex is better at than I am and there are things that Ezra is better at than either of us.”
“Ezra is better at something than both of you?” Cassian asks slowly.
“You should see him with animals,” Zeb interjects.
“He had to work at it at first, but once he got that hang of it Ezra’s just talented that way,” Kanan says smiling. “I’m good at healing myself, but not as good at healing others. Alex is, so if he can try and pass that skill onto Ezra, if he has time to do so, it’d be appreciated.”
“You’re trying to make sure that Ezra has a well-rounded education, when your people are scattered and…” Cassian trails off. “That’s a good enough reason for him to stay, even if I get called elsewhere.”
“Thank you,” Kanan says.
“You’re welcome,” Cassian smiles.
Both Kanan and Cassian head to bed early again, leaving Alex and Zeb to get to know each other. It gives Zeb time to feel Alex out, to see if he’d be comfortable sharing more details on how he acquired his bo-rifle.
“I stayed with Chava. When the Empire came, one of the honor guardsmen that’d been tasked with keeping her hidden from them, thought they wanted me. He thought they would just hand me over and the Empire would leave. Chava tried to convince him that the Empire had come for her and handing me over would just give them a bonus Jedi. We ended up fighting. I won. Zaim gave me his bo-rifle and Chava sent him home. We kept on the move.”
“Zaim was skilled,” Zeb comments, remembering him. “He was dense sometimes, but definitely a skilled fighter. That just makes me want to spar you more. You’re going to owe me a fight.”
Alex laughs. “It’s been too long since I sparred with my bo-rifle, that’d be welcome.”
“After you’re settled in at Chopper base,” Zeb promises.
“I’ll hold you to that.”
When they get to Atollon Kanan asks Cassian to help him find Ezra. “He and I need to talk. I need to make sure he understands that I’m still relearning how to do things I used to take for granted, but that I don’t blame him and I still intend to teach him.”
“I can help you find Ezra,” Zeb points out.
“You know the base better than I do, why don’t you show Alex around?” Cassian suggests.
Zeb looks around at the just starting to lighten sky. “Ezra might not be up yet.”
Kanan agrees, but lets Cassian lead him towards the mess.
Alex stands near him. Zeb almost narrows his eyes. It’s not exactly a convoluted reason to to leave him and Alex alone together, even if it seems convenient.
“You don’t have to,” Alex tells him quietly.
Zeb snorts. “It’s almost sunrise. Let me show you my favorite spot and then I’ll give you the two credit tour.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Zeb leads him to his favorite high perch that’s near enough to the base that it’s safe from the krykna, but far enough from the hustle and bustle that it feels almost like being alone. They settle into the seats he’s put there and watch as the sky lightens to a dark purple and then a light purple before shifting into pinks and oranges. Alex reaches over to take his hand and squeeze it.
“Thank you, would you mind if I came up here to meditate sometimes?”
“I like coming up here to relax, so yeah,” Zeb agrees.
Alex keeps holding his hand until they get back to the base. It leaves a warmth in Zeb’s chest and he can’t help but smile as he shows Alex where the important parts of the base are, introduces him to multiple people, and ensures he has a room assignment. They stop in the mess for lunch and Ezra drags Kanan over to the table they’ve chosen to sit at.
“You’re Ezra,” Alex smiles.
“No, I’m Jab…” Ezra breaks off as Kanan elbows him. He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I’m Ezra.”
Alex covers his mouth as he laughs.
“So are you going to throw things at me or make me do katas until I’m exhausted?” Ezra challenges.
Kanan groans. “Ezra.”
“What? I have a right to know!”
“I thought I’d sit in on Kanan teaching you and once you’re comfortable with me then I’ll explain healing and how it works. It may be something you’re good at, it may not be. It might be a skill that you need to work at developing or one that you’re just not suited to. We don’t know yet, but I am sure that we will eventually head to medical and see if we can at least help a bit.”
Zeb relaxes as he watches some of the tension bleed out of Ezra.
“I guess I can handle that,” Ezra says cautiously before he starts shoveling food into his mouth.
They try to keep the conversation light after that, letting Alex get to know them slowly. It feels weird to drop Alex off at his room after and not have plans to see him later so Zeb asks if they can have supper together.
Alex smiles. "I'd like that."
When Zeb goes to find Hera or Rex, to see if he can help them he sees Kanan sitting in his spot far from everyone else. Zeb sighs. One trip and a friend gained aren't going to fix everything, but seeing Kanan sitting there in the hot sun fills him with worry.
"Productive trip?" Rex asks.
"I thought so."
Ezra walks past them with Higz helping him carry a large umbrella. Ezra is holding a cooler in the hand not carrying the umbrella. The two of them watch as Higz helps Ezra set it up so Kanan is in the shade. Ezra says something to Higz who waves him off before walking away. Ezra flops down in the sand next to Kanan putting the cooler between them.
"Guess it was more productive then I thought."
"Good, I was getting worried I'd have to pretend to give Ezra a training schedule that we both know he wouldn't follow ," Rex comments, then he smirks. "So what's this about you coming home with a Jedi boyfriend?"
Zeb shakes his head, fur bristling. Are there rumors already? What if Alex hears?
Rex laughs. "You should see your face."
"I barely know the guy. He’s spent time with Lasats. Just because he's being friendly doesn't mean he's interested in me."
Rex sobers and shakes his head. "Life's short Zeb. Don't let an opportunity pass because… just, life's short."
Zeb isn't sure how to answer.
Life on Atollon finds a routine, one that sees him spending time with Alex whenever they're both free. They get to know each other in conversations that sometimes seem to flow seamlessly and other times devolve into slow starts and stops. They eventually spar and find that they're evenly matched. It starts to feel like flirting whenever they take their bo-rifles out.
"Have you kissed him yet?" Sabine prods.
Zeb side-eyes her where she's leaning against the side of the building enjoying an ice pop as she watches Ketsu check in with the latest supplies she's brought them.
"We are not talking about me," Sabine insists.
Zeb snorts.
"We're not."
"Not sure he'd want a kiss," Zeb admitted. He wants one. He’s been wanting one.
"Oh, he wants one. It’s all over his face anytime he looks at you," Sabine informs him.
Zeb makes a happy noise, that's good information to have. Then he side-eyes Sabine again. She gives him a faux innocent look before taking a bite of her ice pop.
"Yeah, but I'm not sure if he'd want a human kiss or Lastat kiss," Zeb comments as he walks away. Sabine sputters. Zeb smiles to himself as he heads over to see if Ketsu needs help unloading.
That afternoon Kanan goes missing.
"He's not on the base," Hera concludes as she and Zeb meet under Ezra's umbrella.
"One of the sensor markers where he likes to sit is missing," Rex informs them.
"He went off base, with those spiders everywhere?" Zeb shudders. Now he's worried. So much for his plans to share a drink and the sunset with Alex.
"Higz says Kanan is missing!" Ezra yells, despite being out of breath as he runs up. Alex is close behind him.
Rex raises an eyebrow as he looks at Ezra. Ezra rolls his eyes. Rex crosses his arms.
"I'm not out of breath from running," Ezra insists. "Kanan's missing! I might be panicking. Is this what panicking feels like?"
"I don't sense any danger," Alex says, voice going soothing.
Rex makes a disbelieving noise.
"Kanan is out there," Hera says pointing past where the marker should be. "Do you know how many people we lost to the krykna when we first got here?"
"Yep, this is panicking," Ezra decides.
Alex rests his hand on Ezra’s shoulder. Ezra spins around to face him.
"Take a deep breath. Be here in the now. Don't think about what could be, think about what is," Alex instructs. "You and Kanan have forged a connection. If he was in danger you would know. Close your eyes."
Ezra shakes his head. "We've been out of sync. I don't…"
"Ezra, if you don't believe you can then you've already decided you'll fail," Alex points out.
"There is no try?" Ezra laughs.
"There is no try," Alex agrees.
Ezra sighs, then nods, before closing his eyes.
"Reach for calm first," Alex tells him with amusement in his voice. "Emotions yet peace."
Ezra's shoulders relax. He takes several slow deep breaths.
"Good. Good, just like that," Alex continues to instruct. "Now reach out with your senses. How does Kanan feel to you?"
Ezra takes another slow breath, then wrinkles his nose. "Out of balance?"
"He has been," Alex acknowledges. "You two are starting to repair your relationship. It will take time."
"Not to mention he's adjusting to being blind," Rex puts in.
"That too," Alex agrees.
"He's...he's not in danger. He's learning? There’s something out there with him," Ezra continues, focusing on the task he's been given.
"Something?" Hera asks.
"Maybe someone?" Ezra tries to clarify. "They're large, powerful. They don't feel light or dark, but I don't think they're going to hurt Kanan."
Ezra opens his eyes.
"That's not a lot to go on," Hera points out.
"Kanan is safe," Ezra concludes. "He's learning. He's getting help to find his balance again. We shouldn't interrupt."
He glances at Alex uncertainly. Alex smiles and nods at him.
"You did good," Alex tells him.
Ezra thanks him. Alex claps him on the back.
"So we should just wait?" Rex asks.
"We should wait," Hera agrees.
"I'm going to get a chair," Ezra decides.
"I have a meeting, but I'll join you after," Hera says as she gives Ezra a hug. She thanks Alex before heading back to base.
"Let's go get you a chair," Rex says as he gives Ezra's arm a tug.
"We keep seeming to be conveniently left alone together," Alex observes.
"Matchmaking busy-bodies."
Alex laughs. Zeb grins. Their eyes meet and Alex slowly stops laughing.
Zeb ducks his head, rubbing the back of his neck. He resists the urge to push a toe through the sand. "Was going to ask you to watch the sunset with me. Think we'll be waiting for Kanan to get back now instead."
Alex rests his hand on Zeb's shoulder. Zeb looks at him. Alex smiles. "That would've been a nice date, but I'll join you waiting for Kanan after I'm done. I've got a training session with Cassian."
Zeb reaches up to cover Alex's hand with his own. Alex shifts closer and uses his free hand to cup Zeb's cheek. He goes up on his toes and presses a kiss to Zeb’s lips. Zeb kisses back, lets himself press close as they share several brief kisses. Alex's hands slip around to the back of his neck. Zeb cups Alex's cheeks and shifts them into a long, slow kiss. Alex moans and Zeb…
Alex's comm chimes. Zeb groans and makes himself take a step back. Alex’s eyes are closed, even as his arms drop to his sides. Zeb wants to step close, wants to kiss him again. He wants so much more than kissing. Alex’s eyes open and Zeb can see his wants reflected in them. Alex wets his lips. The comm chimes again.
Alex answers.
"You're late," K-2SO complains.
"There was..." Alex stops his explanation to sigh. "I'm on my way."
Zeb reaches out to smooth Alex's hair down. Alex catches his hand and kisses the back of it. "I'll see you after."
"After," Zeb agrees. He watches as Alex returns to base before he decides to head to the mess and get some water for everyone.
Kanan returns just as the sun is setting. He no longer has a sensor beacon and yet the krykna are leaving him alone.
"You need to learn how to do that," Zeb tells Alex. Their chairs are against each other and they're under another umbrella that they've brought out.
"To keep them away from you?" Alex asks.
Zeb nods with a shudder. Alex pats his hand.
"You're all waiting for me?" Kanan asks, sounding stunned.
"We were worried, love," Hera tells him as she greets him with a kiss on his cheek.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry anyone," Kanan grimaces, but then he lets Hera wrap an arm around his waist and lets himself lean into her. He relaxes in increments.
"You feel like you've found your equilibrium," Ezra comments.
"I think I have," Kanan comments as Hera guides him to a chair and Rex presses a bottle of water into his hand.
"We saved some food for you too," Rex informs him.
Kanan smiles. "Thank you."
Rex hums an acknowledgement and hands him the food they'd saved for him. As he finishes eating, Kanan starts answering their questions about where he was. He tells them about Bendu. Ezra wants to meet him right away.
"Not when it's dark out," Kanan laughs.
"Kanan just got back," Hera points out.
"And I don't think Rex and I brought enough blasters for us to be taking a off base without the sensors," Sabine puts in.
"Do you think he'd…" Ezra starts, then trails off.
Kanan sits up, head tilting to the side as he shifts to face Ezra. "Do I think he'd what?"
There's no judgement in his tone, only concern. Still, Ezra winces. Alex sits up slowly. Realizing he's become the center of attention Ezra looks down at his hands.
"Kid," Rex encourages. "They didn't promote you because you're soft-spoken. Get it out and we'll try to help."
"Rex is right," Kanan tried next.
"Obviously," Rex interrupts.
Kanan laughs. It's the first laugh real Zeb's heard from him since he came back from Malachor. Ezra looks up, eyes widening.
"He is," Kanan continues. "We can't help if you don't tell us what you need help with."
"The Sith holocron, it's been loud," Ezra says. "More nagging then loud. It keeps trying to promise me things."
"You have a Sith holocron?" Alex asks, sounding concerned.
Ezra nods, lets his fingers tug on each other. "Kinda, sort of, stole it from Maul."
“I know someone who is kind of an expert in Sith artifacts,” Alex reassures. "He might want to take a look at it."
“An expert?” Kanan asks.
“Well, they don’t really affect him,” Alex explains.
“You’re sure?” Ezra says, eyes large and almost pleading. “That thing was, it knew what to say. It’s been tempting.”
Kanan reaches out and squeezes Ezra’s shoulder. “It’s designed to do that.”
“If the Gauntlet of Kressh the Younger didn’t phase him, I think it’s likely he can handle disposing of one Sith holocron," Alex reassures.
"Gauntlet of Kressh," Kanan repeats. "I've heard of that. Rennax was on that mission and she left the Order after. It's she still alive?"
"The Ithorians you rescued are traveling with her," Alex answers.
"Pypey's okay, then?" Zeb asks.
Alex smiles at him. "Both he and his mother are well. At least they were, the last time I saw them."
"That's good," Hera comments.
"It's not Rennax that I'll want to meet and I should leave the base to make arrangements. Rex, you should come," Alex says.
"You take Zeb and you two will get some alone time," Rex points out. "Beside that Sith thing gives me the heebie-jeebies. I don't even want to go near the Ghost and you've want to trap me in the shuttle with it."
"Heebie-jeebies?" Kanan asks.
"There are teenagers present, I'm being respectful," Rex grumbles.
"You've heard Chopper swear," Sabine points out.
"He's the worst," Ezra agrees. "Did you hear him and Kaytoo trading swears the other day? I thought AP-5 was going to blow a circuit."
"I missed it!" Sabine complains.
"Cassian is going to kill me," Hera groans.
Kanan rubs soothing circles against her back. She sighs. Ezra and Sabine share a grin.
"Actually, I think Kaytoo taught Chopper a few," Ezra tries to reassure her.
Hera laughs as she puts her face in her hand. "Perfect."
Kanan continues to rub slow circles against Hera's back as he asks Rex. "You can feel it?"
"I know it's there, that's enough," Rex deadpans.
Rex goes with him and Alex to Draay 2. Then they take a hike to a crumbled temple. Alex sighs and sits down. He crosses his legs and closes his eyes. "Give me a moment to figure out where he's hidden his comm."
"No need," A man informs them as he steps out of the jungle. He looks like Rex, except younger and clean shaven with messy hair dark that is just starting to go grey.
"You waited till I sat down, didn't you?" Alex complains.
"With your knees?" The man shakes his head. "I'm not that rude."
He offers Alex a hand and helps him stand up.
"You're…" Rex manages to get out before he lapses into silent staring.
The man brightens as he steps in close to Rex. "Hi. I'm Glitch."
"Young," Rex finishes, then shakes his head. "That's not my name. I meant you're young. I'm Rex. Hi."
"Hi."
They grin at each other. Then Glitch turns to Alex.
“I brought you a Sith holocron,” Alex informs him.
“Can I see?”
Alex takes it from his pack and hands it to him. Glitch turns it over in his hands. Rex shudders.
“That thing really bothers you, huh?” Zeb asks.
Glitch stills, glancing over at Rex.
“It’s evil,” Rex says. “Wasn’t it trying to make Ezra go all, I don’t know, evil?”
“It’s an object,” Glitch explains. “Yes, it’s a complex and technical teaching tool, but at the end of the day it’s just an object and an object can’t make someone decide if they want to be good or evil.”
Rex goes still, looking from Glitch to Alex, then back to Glitch. “You’re a Jedi.”
“Yes,” Glitch smiles.
“But you’re a clone.”
“So are you.”
“But we’re not, we…” Rex trails off.
“I was always a bit different,” Glitch tells him. “And then I started finding out about the Force and how the Jedi saw the world and that seemed to be the path I was meant to take, except I didn’t know there was a control chip in my head that made it more difficult to access the Force.”
“The chips did that?” Rex shakes his head.
“Yeah, it’s easier to sense the Force once they’re out.”
Rex runs a hand down his face. Alex frowns, starts to shift closer. Zeb puts a hand on Rex’s shoulder. “You alright?”
“It’s just a lot,” Rex says.
Glitch slips the Sith holocron into his bag. “What happened when your chip went off?”
Rex shakes his head. “I barely had time to warn Ahsoka and then she managed to knock me out and then get it out.”
Glitch nods. He doesn’t seem surprised. “You could only fight it if you are force sensitive. It’s why Banks was able to warn Master Swan.”
“I knew about them. It’s because I knew. Tup’s malfunctioned and then Fives found out about them. I convinced Kix to look into them, but then he disappeared,” Rex tries to explain. “It was because I knew about them.”
“Huh,” Zeb comments.
Rex frowns up at him.
“You dodge blaster fire sometimes,” Zeb points out.
Rex rolls his eyes. Glitch laughs, then shakes his head. He steps in close to Alex to give him a hug. “Thanks Sasha. Maybe he’ll let me test him, maybe he won’t, but there are other clones he should meet.”
“Yes,” Rex agrees. “I never met Banks, but I heard about him.”
Glitch grins as he shows Alex where his comm is hidden. Then he holds his hand out and Rex takes it. He leads Rex towards the jungle. “I have one of the few midi-chlorian test kits left. It will only take a few moments to show you I’m right.”
“Might be right,” Rex allows, before he glances back at Alex and Zeb.
“We’ll check in with Gregor and Wolffe,” Zeb reassures.
“Thank you,” Rex says, shoulders relaxing as he turns to chat with Glitch.
Zeb waits till they’re out of sight before he turns to Alex. “Sasha?”
“It was my name, before everyone died. I’d gone by my last name mostly before I met you. Kallus isn’t uncommon, but I wanted you to have a first name and I’m liking Alex.”
Zeb leans in to kiss his forehead. Alex smiles. Then he threads his fingers through Zeb’s. Zeb squeezes his hand.
“Let’s go home,” Alex says.
Zeb agrees.
Fandom: Star Wars
Pairings: Kallus/Zeb
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Star Wars. It's not my toy box and I'm merely playing.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jedi Kallus AU. Zeb's POV. When Cassian wants Kanan to help him take a force sensitive toddler to meet some Jedi Hera asks Zeb to go along. Kallus is one of those Jedi and goes back to Atollon with them.
A/N: Written for the Kalluzeb Minibang. Title is from the Mary Oliver poem Heavy. Also Kanan being a sober alcoholic is mentioned. There is very brief background Sabine/Ketsu. Mentions events from Jedi: Fallen Order. Art by Clarismart, which is at the end of the fic on AO3.
Embrace It, Balance It, Carry It:
For all that Chopper Base is currently where he and his family is living Zeb doesn’t think Atollon will ever feel like home. He’s going to have nightmares about the spiders long after they leave. A part of him hopes, possibly plaintively, that the krykna will be the only nightmares that Atollon leaves him with. He reminds himself that it’s a Rebellion base, the concept behind it is it’s supposed to be temporary. It’s a place to rest and train, to work and bond with others who oppose the Empire, but it’s not a permanent home. Zeb tries to ignore the ache the thought leaves him with. He hasn’t wanted to be part of a community, couldn’t spare the energy for more than the small family he’s built with the Spectres, since Lasan was destroyed. It’s odd to feel that need now, especially when Atollon is clearly temporary, his family is hurting, and the Imperials are still trying to hunt them.
Zeb doesn’t want to go near the edges of the base, to see the krykna that are crawling around just outside the sensor beacons, but Kanan’s been out there all day and it’s his turn to take a meal to his friend and try to be there if he wants to talk about what happened on Malachor.
A Nautolan youngling giggles as he toddles past Zeb, attempting to follow Ezra. K-2SO is following sedately behind, possibly trusting that his long limbs will be able to pull the child away from any danger he might wander into. Zeb grips the tray in his hands tightly as he shifts around them. Ezra stops, grimaces, then sighs. He takes a slow breath, then turns and lets the toddler stumble into his arms. Zeb smiles slightly. Ezra is hurting as much as Kanan is and neither one of them is ready to talk about it beyond their initial reports.
“Want to play a game?” Ezra asks softly. His eyes are still sad, but his focus is on the child he’s holding. The Nautolan nods and grins. Ezra tries smiling back, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Got him?” Zeb asks.
Ezra glances at him, takes in the tray in his hands, and then looks past him, possibly to take in Kanan meditating at the very edge of their base as alone and away from everyone as he can get. Ezra shakes his head, then gives Zeb a wane smile. “Kaito and I are going to float stuff at each other, aren’t we?”
Kaito giggles again and touches Ezra’s cheek. Ezra smiles softly and Zeb resists the urge to reach out and touch Ezra’s head. Once it would’ve been to ruffle Ezra’s hair, but he shaved it off and is keeping it short. Ezra isn’t as free with touching, or leaning on others, as he had been before Malachor and Zeb is trying to respect his new boundaries, even though Lasats reassure themselves of the safety of their family members through touch, both scenting and grooming. He’s been around humans and Twi’leks enough to know that while touch is important, sometimes they have different boundaries and sometimes when they’re hurt their boundaries change. So he keeps his hands to himself and nods instead, before he goes back to taking Kanan his lunch.
Hera peels away from her conversation with Captain Andor to join him just as he steps out of the shade of the base and into Atollon’s brightness. “Zeb wait.”
He stops and turns towards her. She touches his wrist, but looks past him towards Kanan. “I have a favor to ask.”
“You mean a mission.”
She shakes her head. “A mission for Kanan, but I’d feel better about it if you went with him.”
“Kanan? He’s not ready!”
Her fingers curl around his wrist and squeeze, a reassurance. Her voice is full of concern, “I’d rather give him the time he needs to come to terms with what happened, but Ahsoka’s...not here and we have a force sensitive toddler that’s already lost his parents. We have to get him to safety.”
“That’s why Andor brought Kaito here, to...does Kanan even know where Ahsoka was taking the younglings?”
“No, he doesn’t. He asked not to incase he was captured, but Captain Andor knows and he’s arranged a meeting. The Jedi she’s been leaving them with are well hidden, but cautious. We think the meeting will go better if there is a Fulcrum agent and a Jedi there,” Hera explains.
Zeb’s shoulders slump. “Kanan’s not going to like it.”
For a moment Zeb wants to suggest they send Ezra. Kaito likes Ezra, has liked Ezra since Andor dumped the youngling in Ezra’s arms and told K-2SO to keep track of both of them, but Ezra, like Kanan, is full of guilt for what happened on Malachor. Kanan is settling into despair, but Ezra is leaning towards resentment. He frustrates easily and is starting to lash out with words. Zeb thinks about how long Ezra survived on his own and how long it took him to learn he could rely on others again and knows that meeting other Jedi who are in hiding, who might have been able to help him sooner than the Spectres did, wouldn’t be healthy for him, not as he is now. Maybe in the future, maybe when things calm, and Ezra is back to an equilibrium that lets him hear what others are trying to tell him. Taking Kaito to a Jedi who will then take him to a community of Jedi will just stir the resentment that’s simmering inside Ezra. It won’t help and it might make things worse, but Kanan, who’s slipping into the despair of survivor’s guilt, might benefit from the community these Jedi would offer, even if it's brief. Kanan’s not going to like it, will likely resist at first, but this might be what he needs.
“That’s why I’m asking you to go as well,” Hera explains. “I need someone there that can support him and he trusts you enough to let you see him when he’s feeling weak.”
“Yeah,” Zeb agrees. He, Hera, and Kanan have shared enough sleepless nights to know what parts of the past still haunt each other. “I’ll let him know.”
“Thank you.”
Zeb sighs, “You’re welcome.”
He turns his back towards the barrier as he reaches Kanan. He really doesn’t need to see the krykna. He had an irrational fear of spiders before Atollan, the krykna are going to leave him with arachnophobia and nightmares. Kanan tilts his head towards Zeb. “I’m not hungry. I want to be alone.”
“You skipped breakfast and you’re sitting in the hot sun. At least drink something or you’ll make the medics cry.”
Kanan shifts to sitting like he was before Zeb trotted out here with a meal tray.
“Look, you either drink the water or I dump it over your head to cool you off.”
“You won’t,” Kanan says.
“Chopper would and I can send him out next,” Zeb points out.
“I’m worrying you. I’m sorry.”
Zeb resists the urge to sigh as he touches the thermos of water to Kanan’s hand. Kanan shifts his hand to grasp it, then touches the top to figure out which thermos Zeb gave him and how it opens. He takes a slow drink of water. Zeb waits until the thermo is resting on Kanan’s knee before he says, “Hera has a mission for us.”
Kanan’s laugh is mirthless. “A mission? What help would I be? I’d only hinder the mission.”
Zeb wishes there was a place to sit that wasn’t sand that would get into his fur. He flexes his toes instead as he wonders about the differences between self-pity and self-loathing. Self-loathing and survivor’s guilt he understands, deeply and intimately.
“There’s a force sensitive youngling that needs to be taken to safety. The Jedi that were helping Ahsoka do so want to meet with a Fulcrum agent and a Jedi,” Zeb informs him gently.
Kanan still flinches at Ahsoka’s name. He gives himself a moment, takes a slow breath in and out, before he suggests, “Ezra might be better…”
“It wouldn’t be healthy for him,” Zeb points out. He waits for Kanan to ask about his health, about his own needs, but he doesn’t. Kanan’s shoulder’s slump instead. All Kanan wants is to be alone to process what happened on Malachor and Zeb wishes he could allow him that, but they need Kanan for this and Ezra needs Kanan too. Zeb isn’t sure how deeply Ezra will flounder while being left alone. He’s not leaning on them as he normally would. Malachor is still affecting Ezra’s ability to trust, Zeb just isn’t sure if it’s Ezra’s trust in himself or his trust in others.
Kanan closes the thermos and then starts to push himself upwards. Zeb shakes his head, then realizes the gesture won’t be seen.
“Eat something first,” Zeb advises. Kanan sinks back down, settles the thermos near him, then holds his hands out for the tray.
When they get back to base it’s to overhear Andor attempting to persuade Hera. “I know I can’t take Kaytoo, but you could at least let your murderbot go along.”
Hera shakes her head. “Chopper doesn’t have his memory erased and the coordinates are too classified.”
“This means they’ll have time to get to know each other,” Andor warns, tone resigned.
Hera presses her lips together, but doesn’t comment. Zeb tries not to laugh. Chopper doesn’t socialize with droids very often, seems to avoid it actually, or avoid socializing more than he has to, but he’s teamed up with an R2 unit when they were on Lothal and he’s made friends with AP-5. Is Andor worried that Chopper will be a bad influence on Kaytoo or that Kaytoo will be an influence on Chopper? Zeb doesn’t think Andor should worry about that later, Chopper isn’t about to let anyone influence him.
He’s about to point this out when Ezra turns to see them. The rock he’s teaching Kaito to float drops to the ground. Kaito grabs it as Ezra picks him up, then he deposits the toddler on top of Chopper before walking away. Kanan’s grip tightens on his arm and Zeb doesn’t know what to say to help ease the tension. Chopper zooms in a circle around all of them making Kaito laugh.
Settling Kanan and Kaito in the cockpit doesn’t take long when the toddler falls asleep on Kanan quickly. After he and Andor double check their supplies they take off. The journey takes two days, which gives them all a chance to take turns keeping Kaito occupied.
The meeting is at an old Republic base that's already been stripped of supplies, near where the Mid Rim gives way to the Outer Rim. Two Jedi are waiting for them: a Rodian and a human. They’re not dressed like the Jedi that Zeb remembers, but that would be dangerous. The Rodian is wearing a dark vest over a lighter tunic that seems to highlight the pale swirling green of her skin, while the human is wearing a darker tunic over a long sleeve crisp black shirt that almost washes out his pale features. Zeb’s gaze keeps straying to the human. It’s been a long time since he saw mutton chops worthy of a Lasat and to see them on a human is making Zeb want to know more about him. Then he realizes the weapon he’s only catching glimpses of, because it’s strapped to the human’s back, is a bo-rifle and every part of him goes cold. Kanan shifts behind him, holding Kaito.
“What is it?” Kanan asks, voice low and soft. “What’s wrong?”
Andor stops ahead of him, hand straying towards his blaster as he looks for a place they can all hide if it comes to that.
“He’s got a bo-rifle,” Zeb explains.
“I don’t know that I can get back to the ship on my own,” Kanan confesses.
The Rodian steps towards them raising her hands slowly to show she’s not holding any weapons. It’s not actually reassuring, Zeb knows how quickly she can use the Force to call her lightsaber to her. “I’m Ganodi, this is Kallus. Is there a problem?”
Zeb knows he’s here to help. He doesn’t want to cause problems, but if they’re going to hand over Kaito he also needs to know that the youngling will be safe. “Yeah, where’d you get that bo-rifle?”
Ganodi turns to give Kallus a look that says they clearly discussed his bringing his bo-rifle beforehand. As Kallus gives Ganodi a neutral look, then looks past her to take Zeb in slowly, Zeb moves to stand more protectively in front of Kanan and Kaito. He wishes Andor was closer, that it would be easy to grab Andor so the Fulcrum agent would be able to safely get Kanan and Kaito back to the ship.
Ganodi says something sharp and quiet that Zeb doesn’t quite catch. Kallus raises his hands slowly. Zeb resists rolling his eyes. Kallus also has a lightsaber and a blaster. Finally Kallus answers, “An honor guardsman. He read a situation incorrectly. I deemed that allowing him to continue would put others in harm's way and we fought. I won and he offered me his bo-rifle. He’s still alive, just demoted.”
Zeb goes carefully still. It’s a better story than the death of a honors guardsman by a Jedi. It makes what Zeb was starting to read as a trap, not a trap, and yet it’s not a lot of details. Kanan touches his shoulder, well touches just below his shoulder. “I don’t sense that he’s lying.”
Zeb wants to know more, wants details. He wants to know about another Lasat that’s alive at the same time he doesn’t want to endanger them by asking. It’s been so long since he’s gotten to spar with another person wielding a bo-rifle that he longs for that too.
This mission is supposed to be about Kanan, a youngling, and the Jedi. He’s not supposed to feel as if he’s drowning in his past. It’s a pain he isn’t prepared for and he wants more than anything to retreat to the ship, to say he’s no longer needed and walk away. Zeb forces himself to take a measured breath and remind himself that Kanan does need him. He will push aside his pain and regrets to make sure that Kanan has his support, that Kaito is safely given to the Jedi, and then when they get back to base he’ll vent to Hera or Rex about how much harder this was than he anticipated. He’s not going to spare thoughts for the ridiculously handsome human with a bo-rife and a past with a Lasat that’s still alive.
Ganodi and Kallus approach slowly and then Kaito is reaching for Ganodi and once Kanan is sure she’s got him he lets go. Then Kanan stands there awkwardly, shoulders stiff, before he reaches out for Zeb’s arm.
“We were hoping Kallus could go back with you, to act as our liaison,” Ganodi says as she settles Kaito on her hip.
Kanan fingers tighten briefly on his arm, before he wets his lips. “I’m sorry, this must have been easier with Ahsoka.”
“I knew her from before,” Ganodi acknowledges.
For a moment Zeb thinks Kanan is going to ask if she remembers him, if Ganodi is a person he knew when he was young.
She reaches out slowly and takes Kanan’s hand, giving it a squeeze before she continues, “You already have duties and responsibilities, you can’t easily step into her role, which is why Kallus is volunteering.”
Andor raises his eyebrows. “You want to be a Fulcrum agent?”
“I want to help,” Kallus says. “In whatever way proves to do the most good.”
Andor nods. They say their goodbyes to Kaito and head back to the ship. Zeb tries not to feel trepidation at being stuck on the ship for two days with a man he finds himself having so many questions about.
Kanan's grip on his arm is tight and makes Zeb wonder what trepidation his friend is having about Kallus.
"Did you know him before?" Zeb asks, attempting to keep his voice low.
Kanan frowns as he considers the question, then slowly he shakes his head. “I don’t think so.”
Kallus turns slightly to look back at them, from where he’s walking ahead and talking with Andor. For a moment Zeb thinks he’s going to attempt to talk to Kanan, he opens his mouth as if he’s going to, but then Andor asks him something, and he turns back to answer. They’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other on the trip back to base.
“We need to figure out if he knows about the chips,” Kanan whispers at him, before grimacing.
“Rex will be safe,” Zeb tries to reassure. They’ve got two days stuck on the ship to make sure Kallus understands that Rex is with them, Wolffe and Gregor too.
Kanan barks out a sad laugh. “He should blame me. I don’t understand why he doesn’t.”
Zeb doesn’t know what to say, isn’t sure how to help. Andor and Kallus stop walking and turn towards them.
Kanan stills, his grip going tight on Zeb’s arm again. Kanan’s lips press together briefly. Zeb wants to say something to help. Kanan takes several slow deep breaths and then apologizes.
“We’ve all been through…” Kallus starts to offer.
“We need to stay on task until we’re in hyperspace,” Andor interrupts. “We need to make sure the other team is away and in hyperspace and then we need to leave. We can discuss anything else once we’re safely back on the ship and in hyperspace, understood?”
Zeb bristles, feels his fur start to stand up, even though he knows Andor’s right.
“I’m sorry,” Kanan says. “I’ve got it together now.”
Andor starts to shake his head, then aborts the movement. “You don’t need to apologize, it’s understandable. Safety is just the main concern right now.”
They make it back to the ship without any more conversation. Zeb listens quietly as Andor confirms with Ganodi that she and Kaito made it back to her ship, then Kallus and Ganodi say quick goodbyes. Then they’re in hyperspace.
“Blame you?” Kallus asks, turning his chair so he can look at Kanan.
Kanan shakes his head slowly.
Kallus studies Kanan quietly a moment before he says, "No one blames you."
“I don’t want to talk about this,” Kanan says, voice going small and quiet. “Not with you.”
“Who would you want to talk about it with?” Kallus asks.
Kanan tilts his head towards where Kallus is sitting, his fingers twist around each other in his lap. They sit quietly. Kallus’ gaze is unwavering even though Kanan can’t see it. Can he feel it? Are they using the Force to communicate somehow? Zeb isn’t really sure how it works.
Kallus’ shoulders fall. He looks down at the hands he’s resting on his knees, then up at Zeb, before he glances to where Andor is piloting the ship. He sighs. “I was on Lasan when the purge happened. Master Tapal suggested I spend time with a mystic there. I later found out he and his padawan had blown up the ship they were on and...I felt guilty for a long time. If I’d been there, nothing significant would’ve gone differently. If I hadn’t been on Lasan I’d have likely been on some other world with...I’d be dead too. Instead I stay with Chava and...”
“You knew Chava the Wise?” Zeb asks, unable to hold the question in.
Kallus’ lips quirk up slowly and Zeb isn’t sure why he finds that so fascinating. If a slow smile, a soft smile, transforms Kallus’ face so much, what would laughter do?
He inclines his head towards Zeb. “I know where she is.”
She’s alive! Zeb isn’t sure what to do with the hope that flares inside of him at the thought of another Lasat alive.
“You know where the Lasats are?” Andor asks, voice even and serious.
“There are Lasats in one place?” Kallus tosses back. His tone is full of disbelief, but it’s a false disbelief. There are other Lasats, more than one, more than him. For a moment Zeb feels dizzy with relief and hope. Kanan squeezes his wrist.
“It should’ve been someone other than you, someone without vital information,” Andor points out.
“Rumors,” Kallus tells him. “You’d turn down help over rumors?”
Andor turns in his chair to face them, “Is there someone else that knows where to take them?”
“That was thought of before I offered to come with you,” Kallus counters.
Andor frowns. “And if you’re captured?”
“I think it’d more likely they’d try to kill me,” Kallus says.
“You know where not one, but two communities are staying hidden from the Empire.” Andor’s eyes are sad, while the rest of him is tense.
Hidden communities? Zeb isn’t sure what to think. The squeeze of Kanan’s hand against his wrist is grounding.
“I don’t think I should overhear this,” Zeb interjects before Kallus can counter Andor’s words.
“You don’t want to?” Kallus asks.
“I shouldn’t,” Zeb reiterates. If he finds out about a community of Lasats then he’s going to want to see it for himself and he can’t leave his family. They need his help and support right now, more than ever. He can’t let himself be divided, not in the middle of this war.
Perhaps sensing Zeb’s need for a subject change or the tension that is Kallus and Andor still studying each other, Kanan asks, “You knew Master Tapal?”
“I was his first padawan,” Kallus answers.
“You knew Cal?” Kanan continues.
“Yes. You knew him too?”
Kanan nods slowly. “When we were young we decided that he would go by Cal and I would go by Caleb.”
Kallus grimaces, a momentary flash of pain in his expression, before he smooths his features. “You’re Caleb.”
“I was. I’m Kanan now.”
Kallus covers his mouth with his hand, then nods. Zeb manages to not roll his eyes.
“Thank you for telling me,” Kallus says carefully.
Andor shakes his head. “I’m tired…”
There are more words that Andor wants to say, Zeb almost expects an explanation about just what about the galaxy is causing Andor to feel tired, but instead Andor stands and moves to the back of the ship, towards the bunks.
Kanan leans into him. Zeb leans back.
“Do you mind if I try and sleep too?” Kanan asks. “Not that I’m much help flying the ship.”
Kallus opens his mouth, like he wants to ask Kanan something else, or continue their conversation, but he shakes his head and awkwardly leans back in his chair. Zeb snorts. Kallus raises an eyebrow in challenge and Zeb blinks slowly, takes in the way Kallus’ feet are spread, the way one of his arms rests against the back of the chair behind his head, while the other lies in his lap and tells himself it isn’t enticing. Kallus doesn’t want him to find it enticing, Zeb tells himself next. Kallus smirks slowly. Zeb shakes his head.
“Um, that was kind of a question,” Kanan interrupts.
“Sorry,” Zeb manages. “Do you need some help?”
Kanan sighs and shakes his head before patting his arm. “I can get myself to the fresher and to bed.”
Then Zeb is alone with Kallus, who just tilts his head and raises his eyebrows again. Zeb slumps in his seat and crosses his arms, managing to glare. He doesn’t want to find a strange Jedi with a bo-rifle and a connection to his own people enticing. It’s ridiculous! It is ridiculous, isn’t it?
“So,” Kallus starts.
Zeb stands. “I’m going to check the navicomputer.”
Kallus blinks up at him, then nods. “I suppose I’ll meditate then.”
“Good, that sounds good.”
Kallus nods again. Zeb rolls his eyes at himself before settling into the pilot’s seat and trying not to pay attention to the slow way Kallus is breathing. He’s never found Kanan’s or Ezra’s meditating distracting, not that Kanan can get Ezra to sit still long enough to meditate often. It’s been a long time since Kanan tried to get Ezra to meditate.
“What’s making you sad?” Kallus asks.
“Thinking about my friends,” Zeb answers. “They’re hurting right now and I don’t know how to help.”
“I know that feeling well,” Kallus comments. “What have you tried?”
“Giving them space?” Kanan usually needs space when he’s hurting, needs a moment to find his equilibrium, except it’s been weeks, more than a month, and Kanan isn’t saying what else needs, isn’t reaching out for support like he normally would at this point. At least he’s not drinking. Zeb hasn’t even heard Kanan say he wants a drink, and that’s usually an indication that he’s finding the stress he’s under overwhelming, and his usual methods of dealing aren’t working. Zeb isn’t sure how to help, when Kanan is still trying to isolate, isn’t sure how welcome any help would be. Also Zeb isn’t sure that space is what Ezra needs, even if that's what Ezra is trying to act like it's what he needs.
"They faced Maul and then Vader," Kallus summarizes. "We easily could've lost all three of them."
"You don't blame them."
"Of course not, but watching another sacrifice themselves for you, it's easy to blame yourself."
Zeb leans back in his seat. "It's not easy to be the one who survives."
"No, it's not," Kallus agrees.
Zeb turns the seat so he can look at Kallus. Their eyes meet.
"You really don't want me to tell you about your people…" Kallus trails offs, eyes following the movement of Zeb's ears, then the way his fur is bristling. Kallus nods slowly. "Alright. May I ask why?"
Zeb swallows. Most people don't read his body language that easily. He manages a noise of annoyance as he scrubs a hand over his face.
"You don't have to tell me. I'm just curious," Kallus tries to reassure him.
"Because I can't be divided right now. I've got this family that needs me. It took me a long time to find them and they were there for me when I needed them, now it's my turn to be there for them," Zeb explains.
Kallus nods.
"Tell me when we win the war," Zeb means his words to be at least slightly light-hearted, but they don't come out that way. Maybe he's not making the healthiest decision about this, but he knows he can't handle Atollon, being a Spectre, and a part of the Rebellion, while also knowing where other Ladats are and wanting to help them too. He's only one being. He can only handle so much.
Kallus stands, closes the distance between them and curls his hand over Zeb's hand. Zeb shifts his hand so their palms are touching. Kallus squeezes his hand. "I'll hold you to that."
Zeb grins.
"It's Alex or Alexsandr."
"Alex," Zeb repeats. Briefly he wants to tease, wants to cut his last name down to Kal and see if he can give a nickname, except that's nearly the same name of the brother Kallus lost and the friend Kanan lost. No, that would just cause more pain.
Alex smiles. It makes Zeb want to touch more than his hand. Zeb looks away, back at the controls. Alex let's go of him. Zeb resists the urge to rub his hand, to feel that impression of warmth that Alex left behind. He lets himself glance upwards, at Alex standing so close. Their eyes meet again and Alex's cheeks start to go red. Alex rubs the back of his neck, looking towards the door. He sighs and let's his hands drop. "How's the padawan doing? Kanan seems to be struggling for an equilibrium. I can't imagine that this is easy on his padawan."
Zeb isn't sure how to answer. If Alex can help then he is going to need to know the situation he's walking into, but how much information would be breaking confidences?
Alex's eyebrows arch. "That bad?"
Zeb realizes his ears have flattened against his skull. He shakes his head. "No, I...Ezra's been through a lot, had been through a lot before he joined us."
They all had.
"He lost his parents to the Empire and was on his own for a bit. He might think you're trying to replace Kanan…"
"I wouldn't."
"He'll need to know that."
Alex nods his understanding.
"He blames himself for what happened," Zeb continues.
Alex sits in the copilot seat and stretches out his legs with a sigh. “He wouldn’t be the first person Maul manipulated.”
“He didn’t trust easily, when he first joined us,” Zeb comments.
“He thought he found another Jedi,” Alex surmises.
“I think so, yes.”
Alex frowns. “He’ll have to be careful. Maul will manipulate others to get what he wants and if what he wants is Ezra as his apprentice then…”
Alex breaks off and shakes his head.
“You think Ezra’s in danger?”
Alex frowns, clearly thinking about how to answer before he says, “The lengths that he went through to get Master Kenobi’s attention were extreme. It’s a potential situation that we should be careful about.”
“You think Kanan is in danger. He already blinded him!”
“And then he didn’t get what he wanted, he may try and get Ezra or Kanan’s attention another way.”
“They’ve already been through enough,” Zeb growls.
Alex tilts his head. Zeb isn’t sure how to read his face. Isn’t sure what this expression means. Alex’s cheeks start to turn red and he looks away. “It’s just a situation to be aware of. We won’t know what move he’ll make until he does. Would you tell me about your family?”
So Zeb does, keeping the details superficial. He doesn’t know Alex well enough yet for anything more. Alex smiles as Zeb talks, occasionally asking a question. Andor interrupts as Zeb is asking Kallus how long he’s known Ganodi.
“You two better not be sharing infromation you’ll have to kill yourself over if your caught,” Andor complains.
“Just peripheral things,” Kallus reassures.
Andor studies them both with a frown. Zeb wants to joke that Cassian is too young to be so bitter and yet he knows Cassian would point out that he’s been fighting his whole life. Did Cassian even get part of his life without war? Cassian is stationed at a different base, one Zeb doesn’t even know the location of. He’s not sure a brief taste of the family that Hera and Kanan have built or the familiar type of leadership that Commander Sato favors would help Cassian.
“I got enough rest,” Cassian tells them. “Get some yourselves.”
Alex hesitates, watching him. Zeb flicks his ears. Alex smiles. Zeb glances up at Cassian who is studying them both silently.
“Is Lyste going to be a worry?” Zeb asks.
Cassian grimaces. “I don’t think you need to know.”
If K-2SO was here Zeb would have all his questions answered.
“I mean for Sabine,” Zeb tries carefully.
“I’m not sure what you’re asking,” Cassian says.
“After the whole Bahryn thing,” Zeb clarifies. “She recruited him, sort of. He’s not going to expect some sort of romantic attachment, is he?”
Alex raises his eyebrows, looking between Cassian and Zeb.
Cassian shakes his head. “She got him to question things, start to notice things. Lyste likes men so I don’t think she needs to worry about that."
"Do I want to know how you know that?" Zeb prods.
Cassian snorts. "Probably not. He talks too much when he's nervous, had to teach him how to misdirect conversations. Can I have my seat now?”
“Isn’t this Kay’s seat?” Zeb teases lightly as he gets up.
Cassian smiles slightly. Zeb smiles, before he and Alex head for the back of the ship.
After breakfast Zeb sits back and watches as Alex and Kanan meditate together. It leaves Kanan with a slight smile on his face and a posture that’s more relaxed than Zeb has seen him in a long time. Then they start discussing Jedi they’d learned about that were blind. The day passes slowly. It’s not till they’re all settling into chairs for an evening meal that Zeb remembers to ask Alex how long he and Ganodi have known each other.
“A long time,” Alex tells him. “She was my padawan and we continued traveling together after she was knighted. Now she’ll travel with Kaito.”
“She’ll teach Kaito?” Kanan asks.
“Yes, as much as she can.”
“Does that mean Kaito will be her padawan?” Cassian asks.
Alex shrugs. “It’s possible, more than likely, but only time will tell. There aren’t a lot of us left and we try to only travel in pairs, but it’s possible he’ll study with someone else.”
“Just pairs of Jedi?” Zeb asks. When a community of Jedi had been talked about earlier Zeb’s impression wasn’t that it was so fractured. Maybe that’s applies to his people as well, maybe there isn’t a larger community he doesn’t interact with.
Alex nods. “We try to keep it to pairs, sometimes three of us will travel together, but it’s dangerous to gather in groups. We’re discovered more easily that way. Sometimes it’s two Jedi, sometimes it’s a Jedi and a clone.”
Alex is studying them all carefully as he says those last few words.
“You know about the chips,” Kanan says.
Alex’s shoulders relax and Zeb finds himself leaning in. Alex lets himself lean back and Zeb closes his eyes. It’s been awhile since he just sat close to someone like this.
“Yes. I’m glad you know about the chips.”
“We work with Captain Rex,” Kanan informs Alex. “He stays on base. Sometimes we work with Wolffe and Gregor too.”
“You know three,” Alex smiles.
“We don’t need an exact number from you,” Cassian interjects.
“I wouldn’t have one,” Alex informs them.
Cassian sighs and leans back in his chair. He shakes his head, then states, “We keep things separate so if one of us is captured the whole, all of the groups, don’t get unraveled. If we bring the groups together then all the information will get consolidated, but until we do that it’s better to be careful.”
“Understood,” Alex says.
Cassian nods.
Kanan rubs his legs, then leans back in his chair with his eyes closed. “Cassian, is it possible for you to stick around on base for a while? I know you’ll want to train Alex, but there are things he can teach Ezra and that I can’t.”
Cassian sits up. “Ezra is your padawan.”
“Yes,” Kanan agrees. “That doesn’t mean he can’t learn from Alex and that doesn’t mean he stops being my padawan. We all don’t have the same skills. There are things Alex is better at than I am and there are things that Ezra is better at than either of us.”
“Ezra is better at something than both of you?” Cassian asks slowly.
“You should see him with animals,” Zeb interjects.
“He had to work at it at first, but once he got that hang of it Ezra’s just talented that way,” Kanan says smiling. “I’m good at healing myself, but not as good at healing others. Alex is, so if he can try and pass that skill onto Ezra, if he has time to do so, it’d be appreciated.”
“You’re trying to make sure that Ezra has a well-rounded education, when your people are scattered and…” Cassian trails off. “That’s a good enough reason for him to stay, even if I get called elsewhere.”
“Thank you,” Kanan says.
“You’re welcome,” Cassian smiles.
Both Kanan and Cassian head to bed early again, leaving Alex and Zeb to get to know each other. It gives Zeb time to feel Alex out, to see if he’d be comfortable sharing more details on how he acquired his bo-rifle.
“I stayed with Chava. When the Empire came, one of the honor guardsmen that’d been tasked with keeping her hidden from them, thought they wanted me. He thought they would just hand me over and the Empire would leave. Chava tried to convince him that the Empire had come for her and handing me over would just give them a bonus Jedi. We ended up fighting. I won. Zaim gave me his bo-rifle and Chava sent him home. We kept on the move.”
“Zaim was skilled,” Zeb comments, remembering him. “He was dense sometimes, but definitely a skilled fighter. That just makes me want to spar you more. You’re going to owe me a fight.”
Alex laughs. “It’s been too long since I sparred with my bo-rifle, that’d be welcome.”
“After you’re settled in at Chopper base,” Zeb promises.
“I’ll hold you to that.”
When they get to Atollon Kanan asks Cassian to help him find Ezra. “He and I need to talk. I need to make sure he understands that I’m still relearning how to do things I used to take for granted, but that I don’t blame him and I still intend to teach him.”
“I can help you find Ezra,” Zeb points out.
“You know the base better than I do, why don’t you show Alex around?” Cassian suggests.
Zeb looks around at the just starting to lighten sky. “Ezra might not be up yet.”
Kanan agrees, but lets Cassian lead him towards the mess.
Alex stands near him. Zeb almost narrows his eyes. It’s not exactly a convoluted reason to to leave him and Alex alone together, even if it seems convenient.
“You don’t have to,” Alex tells him quietly.
Zeb snorts. “It’s almost sunrise. Let me show you my favorite spot and then I’ll give you the two credit tour.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Zeb leads him to his favorite high perch that’s near enough to the base that it’s safe from the krykna, but far enough from the hustle and bustle that it feels almost like being alone. They settle into the seats he’s put there and watch as the sky lightens to a dark purple and then a light purple before shifting into pinks and oranges. Alex reaches over to take his hand and squeeze it.
“Thank you, would you mind if I came up here to meditate sometimes?”
“I like coming up here to relax, so yeah,” Zeb agrees.
Alex keeps holding his hand until they get back to the base. It leaves a warmth in Zeb’s chest and he can’t help but smile as he shows Alex where the important parts of the base are, introduces him to multiple people, and ensures he has a room assignment. They stop in the mess for lunch and Ezra drags Kanan over to the table they’ve chosen to sit at.
“You’re Ezra,” Alex smiles.
“No, I’m Jab…” Ezra breaks off as Kanan elbows him. He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I’m Ezra.”
Alex covers his mouth as he laughs.
“So are you going to throw things at me or make me do katas until I’m exhausted?” Ezra challenges.
Kanan groans. “Ezra.”
“What? I have a right to know!”
“I thought I’d sit in on Kanan teaching you and once you’re comfortable with me then I’ll explain healing and how it works. It may be something you’re good at, it may not be. It might be a skill that you need to work at developing or one that you’re just not suited to. We don’t know yet, but I am sure that we will eventually head to medical and see if we can at least help a bit.”
Zeb relaxes as he watches some of the tension bleed out of Ezra.
“I guess I can handle that,” Ezra says cautiously before he starts shoveling food into his mouth.
They try to keep the conversation light after that, letting Alex get to know them slowly. It feels weird to drop Alex off at his room after and not have plans to see him later so Zeb asks if they can have supper together.
Alex smiles. "I'd like that."
When Zeb goes to find Hera or Rex, to see if he can help them he sees Kanan sitting in his spot far from everyone else. Zeb sighs. One trip and a friend gained aren't going to fix everything, but seeing Kanan sitting there in the hot sun fills him with worry.
"Productive trip?" Rex asks.
"I thought so."
Ezra walks past them with Higz helping him carry a large umbrella. Ezra is holding a cooler in the hand not carrying the umbrella. The two of them watch as Higz helps Ezra set it up so Kanan is in the shade. Ezra says something to Higz who waves him off before walking away. Ezra flops down in the sand next to Kanan putting the cooler between them.
"Guess it was more productive then I thought."
"Good, I was getting worried I'd have to pretend to give Ezra a training schedule that we both know he wouldn't follow ," Rex comments, then he smirks. "So what's this about you coming home with a Jedi boyfriend?"
Zeb shakes his head, fur bristling. Are there rumors already? What if Alex hears?
Rex laughs. "You should see your face."
"I barely know the guy. He’s spent time with Lasats. Just because he's being friendly doesn't mean he's interested in me."
Rex sobers and shakes his head. "Life's short Zeb. Don't let an opportunity pass because… just, life's short."
Zeb isn't sure how to answer.
Life on Atollon finds a routine, one that sees him spending time with Alex whenever they're both free. They get to know each other in conversations that sometimes seem to flow seamlessly and other times devolve into slow starts and stops. They eventually spar and find that they're evenly matched. It starts to feel like flirting whenever they take their bo-rifles out.
"Have you kissed him yet?" Sabine prods.
Zeb side-eyes her where she's leaning against the side of the building enjoying an ice pop as she watches Ketsu check in with the latest supplies she's brought them.
"We are not talking about me," Sabine insists.
Zeb snorts.
"We're not."
"Not sure he'd want a kiss," Zeb admitted. He wants one. He’s been wanting one.
"Oh, he wants one. It’s all over his face anytime he looks at you," Sabine informs him.
Zeb makes a happy noise, that's good information to have. Then he side-eyes Sabine again. She gives him a faux innocent look before taking a bite of her ice pop.
"Yeah, but I'm not sure if he'd want a human kiss or Lastat kiss," Zeb comments as he walks away. Sabine sputters. Zeb smiles to himself as he heads over to see if Ketsu needs help unloading.
That afternoon Kanan goes missing.
"He's not on the base," Hera concludes as she and Zeb meet under Ezra's umbrella.
"One of the sensor markers where he likes to sit is missing," Rex informs them.
"He went off base, with those spiders everywhere?" Zeb shudders. Now he's worried. So much for his plans to share a drink and the sunset with Alex.
"Higz says Kanan is missing!" Ezra yells, despite being out of breath as he runs up. Alex is close behind him.
Rex raises an eyebrow as he looks at Ezra. Ezra rolls his eyes. Rex crosses his arms.
"I'm not out of breath from running," Ezra insists. "Kanan's missing! I might be panicking. Is this what panicking feels like?"
"I don't sense any danger," Alex says, voice going soothing.
Rex makes a disbelieving noise.
"Kanan is out there," Hera says pointing past where the marker should be. "Do you know how many people we lost to the krykna when we first got here?"
"Yep, this is panicking," Ezra decides.
Alex rests his hand on Ezra’s shoulder. Ezra spins around to face him.
"Take a deep breath. Be here in the now. Don't think about what could be, think about what is," Alex instructs. "You and Kanan have forged a connection. If he was in danger you would know. Close your eyes."
Ezra shakes his head. "We've been out of sync. I don't…"
"Ezra, if you don't believe you can then you've already decided you'll fail," Alex points out.
"There is no try?" Ezra laughs.
"There is no try," Alex agrees.
Ezra sighs, then nods, before closing his eyes.
"Reach for calm first," Alex tells him with amusement in his voice. "Emotions yet peace."
Ezra's shoulders relax. He takes several slow deep breaths.
"Good. Good, just like that," Alex continues to instruct. "Now reach out with your senses. How does Kanan feel to you?"
Ezra takes another slow breath, then wrinkles his nose. "Out of balance?"
"He has been," Alex acknowledges. "You two are starting to repair your relationship. It will take time."
"Not to mention he's adjusting to being blind," Rex puts in.
"That too," Alex agrees.
"He's...he's not in danger. He's learning? There’s something out there with him," Ezra continues, focusing on the task he's been given.
"Something?" Hera asks.
"Maybe someone?" Ezra tries to clarify. "They're large, powerful. They don't feel light or dark, but I don't think they're going to hurt Kanan."
Ezra opens his eyes.
"That's not a lot to go on," Hera points out.
"Kanan is safe," Ezra concludes. "He's learning. He's getting help to find his balance again. We shouldn't interrupt."
He glances at Alex uncertainly. Alex smiles and nods at him.
"You did good," Alex tells him.
Ezra thanks him. Alex claps him on the back.
"So we should just wait?" Rex asks.
"We should wait," Hera agrees.
"I'm going to get a chair," Ezra decides.
"I have a meeting, but I'll join you after," Hera says as she gives Ezra a hug. She thanks Alex before heading back to base.
"Let's go get you a chair," Rex says as he gives Ezra's arm a tug.
"We keep seeming to be conveniently left alone together," Alex observes.
"Matchmaking busy-bodies."
Alex laughs. Zeb grins. Their eyes meet and Alex slowly stops laughing.
Zeb ducks his head, rubbing the back of his neck. He resists the urge to push a toe through the sand. "Was going to ask you to watch the sunset with me. Think we'll be waiting for Kanan to get back now instead."
Alex rests his hand on Zeb's shoulder. Zeb looks at him. Alex smiles. "That would've been a nice date, but I'll join you waiting for Kanan after I'm done. I've got a training session with Cassian."
Zeb reaches up to cover Alex's hand with his own. Alex shifts closer and uses his free hand to cup Zeb's cheek. He goes up on his toes and presses a kiss to Zeb’s lips. Zeb kisses back, lets himself press close as they share several brief kisses. Alex's hands slip around to the back of his neck. Zeb cups Alex's cheeks and shifts them into a long, slow kiss. Alex moans and Zeb…
Alex's comm chimes. Zeb groans and makes himself take a step back. Alex’s eyes are closed, even as his arms drop to his sides. Zeb wants to step close, wants to kiss him again. He wants so much more than kissing. Alex’s eyes open and Zeb can see his wants reflected in them. Alex wets his lips. The comm chimes again.
Alex answers.
"You're late," K-2SO complains.
"There was..." Alex stops his explanation to sigh. "I'm on my way."
Zeb reaches out to smooth Alex's hair down. Alex catches his hand and kisses the back of it. "I'll see you after."
"After," Zeb agrees. He watches as Alex returns to base before he decides to head to the mess and get some water for everyone.
Kanan returns just as the sun is setting. He no longer has a sensor beacon and yet the krykna are leaving him alone.
"You need to learn how to do that," Zeb tells Alex. Their chairs are against each other and they're under another umbrella that they've brought out.
"To keep them away from you?" Alex asks.
Zeb nods with a shudder. Alex pats his hand.
"You're all waiting for me?" Kanan asks, sounding stunned.
"We were worried, love," Hera tells him as she greets him with a kiss on his cheek.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry anyone," Kanan grimaces, but then he lets Hera wrap an arm around his waist and lets himself lean into her. He relaxes in increments.
"You feel like you've found your equilibrium," Ezra comments.
"I think I have," Kanan comments as Hera guides him to a chair and Rex presses a bottle of water into his hand.
"We saved some food for you too," Rex informs him.
Kanan smiles. "Thank you."
Rex hums an acknowledgement and hands him the food they'd saved for him. As he finishes eating, Kanan starts answering their questions about where he was. He tells them about Bendu. Ezra wants to meet him right away.
"Not when it's dark out," Kanan laughs.
"Kanan just got back," Hera points out.
"And I don't think Rex and I brought enough blasters for us to be taking a off base without the sensors," Sabine puts in.
"Do you think he'd…" Ezra starts, then trails off.
Kanan sits up, head tilting to the side as he shifts to face Ezra. "Do I think he'd what?"
There's no judgement in his tone, only concern. Still, Ezra winces. Alex sits up slowly. Realizing he's become the center of attention Ezra looks down at his hands.
"Kid," Rex encourages. "They didn't promote you because you're soft-spoken. Get it out and we'll try to help."
"Rex is right," Kanan tried next.
"Obviously," Rex interrupts.
Kanan laughs. It's the first laugh real Zeb's heard from him since he came back from Malachor. Ezra looks up, eyes widening.
"He is," Kanan continues. "We can't help if you don't tell us what you need help with."
"The Sith holocron, it's been loud," Ezra says. "More nagging then loud. It keeps trying to promise me things."
"You have a Sith holocron?" Alex asks, sounding concerned.
Ezra nods, lets his fingers tug on each other. "Kinda, sort of, stole it from Maul."
“I know someone who is kind of an expert in Sith artifacts,” Alex reassures. "He might want to take a look at it."
“An expert?” Kanan asks.
“Well, they don’t really affect him,” Alex explains.
“You’re sure?” Ezra says, eyes large and almost pleading. “That thing was, it knew what to say. It’s been tempting.”
Kanan reaches out and squeezes Ezra’s shoulder. “It’s designed to do that.”
“If the Gauntlet of Kressh the Younger didn’t phase him, I think it’s likely he can handle disposing of one Sith holocron," Alex reassures.
"Gauntlet of Kressh," Kanan repeats. "I've heard of that. Rennax was on that mission and she left the Order after. It's she still alive?"
"The Ithorians you rescued are traveling with her," Alex answers.
"Pypey's okay, then?" Zeb asks.
Alex smiles at him. "Both he and his mother are well. At least they were, the last time I saw them."
"That's good," Hera comments.
"It's not Rennax that I'll want to meet and I should leave the base to make arrangements. Rex, you should come," Alex says.
"You take Zeb and you two will get some alone time," Rex points out. "Beside that Sith thing gives me the heebie-jeebies. I don't even want to go near the Ghost and you've want to trap me in the shuttle with it."
"Heebie-jeebies?" Kanan asks.
"There are teenagers present, I'm being respectful," Rex grumbles.
"You've heard Chopper swear," Sabine points out.
"He's the worst," Ezra agrees. "Did you hear him and Kaytoo trading swears the other day? I thought AP-5 was going to blow a circuit."
"I missed it!" Sabine complains.
"Cassian is going to kill me," Hera groans.
Kanan rubs soothing circles against her back. She sighs. Ezra and Sabine share a grin.
"Actually, I think Kaytoo taught Chopper a few," Ezra tries to reassure her.
Hera laughs as she puts her face in her hand. "Perfect."
Kanan continues to rub slow circles against Hera's back as he asks Rex. "You can feel it?"
"I know it's there, that's enough," Rex deadpans.
Rex goes with him and Alex to Draay 2. Then they take a hike to a crumbled temple. Alex sighs and sits down. He crosses his legs and closes his eyes. "Give me a moment to figure out where he's hidden his comm."
"No need," A man informs them as he steps out of the jungle. He looks like Rex, except younger and clean shaven with messy hair dark that is just starting to go grey.
"You waited till I sat down, didn't you?" Alex complains.
"With your knees?" The man shakes his head. "I'm not that rude."
He offers Alex a hand and helps him stand up.
"You're…" Rex manages to get out before he lapses into silent staring.
The man brightens as he steps in close to Rex. "Hi. I'm Glitch."
"Young," Rex finishes, then shakes his head. "That's not my name. I meant you're young. I'm Rex. Hi."
"Hi."
They grin at each other. Then Glitch turns to Alex.
“I brought you a Sith holocron,” Alex informs him.
“Can I see?”
Alex takes it from his pack and hands it to him. Glitch turns it over in his hands. Rex shudders.
“That thing really bothers you, huh?” Zeb asks.
Glitch stills, glancing over at Rex.
“It’s evil,” Rex says. “Wasn’t it trying to make Ezra go all, I don’t know, evil?”
“It’s an object,” Glitch explains. “Yes, it’s a complex and technical teaching tool, but at the end of the day it’s just an object and an object can’t make someone decide if they want to be good or evil.”
Rex goes still, looking from Glitch to Alex, then back to Glitch. “You’re a Jedi.”
“Yes,” Glitch smiles.
“But you’re a clone.”
“So are you.”
“But we’re not, we…” Rex trails off.
“I was always a bit different,” Glitch tells him. “And then I started finding out about the Force and how the Jedi saw the world and that seemed to be the path I was meant to take, except I didn’t know there was a control chip in my head that made it more difficult to access the Force.”
“The chips did that?” Rex shakes his head.
“Yeah, it’s easier to sense the Force once they’re out.”
Rex runs a hand down his face. Alex frowns, starts to shift closer. Zeb puts a hand on Rex’s shoulder. “You alright?”
“It’s just a lot,” Rex says.
Glitch slips the Sith holocron into his bag. “What happened when your chip went off?”
Rex shakes his head. “I barely had time to warn Ahsoka and then she managed to knock me out and then get it out.”
Glitch nods. He doesn’t seem surprised. “You could only fight it if you are force sensitive. It’s why Banks was able to warn Master Swan.”
“I knew about them. It’s because I knew. Tup’s malfunctioned and then Fives found out about them. I convinced Kix to look into them, but then he disappeared,” Rex tries to explain. “It was because I knew about them.”
“Huh,” Zeb comments.
Rex frowns up at him.
“You dodge blaster fire sometimes,” Zeb points out.
Rex rolls his eyes. Glitch laughs, then shakes his head. He steps in close to Alex to give him a hug. “Thanks Sasha. Maybe he’ll let me test him, maybe he won’t, but there are other clones he should meet.”
“Yes,” Rex agrees. “I never met Banks, but I heard about him.”
Glitch grins as he shows Alex where his comm is hidden. Then he holds his hand out and Rex takes it. He leads Rex towards the jungle. “I have one of the few midi-chlorian test kits left. It will only take a few moments to show you I’m right.”
“Might be right,” Rex allows, before he glances back at Alex and Zeb.
“We’ll check in with Gregor and Wolffe,” Zeb reassures.
“Thank you,” Rex says, shoulders relaxing as he turns to chat with Glitch.
Zeb waits till they’re out of sight before he turns to Alex. “Sasha?”
“It was my name, before everyone died. I’d gone by my last name mostly before I met you. Kallus isn’t uncommon, but I wanted you to have a first name and I’m liking Alex.”
Zeb leans in to kiss his forehead. Alex smiles. Then he threads his fingers through Zeb’s. Zeb squeezes his hand.
“Let’s go home,” Alex says.
Zeb agrees.